Sexual intimacy and parenting

My children are all in school now. Tim and I have been blessed to prosper in our former stage of parenting with our sexual intimacy still intact. For this to happen, we had to act intentionally. I have been asking anyone I can find with teenagers how to make physical intimacy a priority through the next stage when kids are more aware and up much later at night. Someone asked me to share what worked for us in the last stage of life. So here it is.

I have been struggling with what to say in this blog about the Biblical tie to intentional physical intimacy in marriage. We don’t want to try to fit a Bible reference here to cover our bases. I don’t want to push ideas into scripture; rather, pull truth from them. The Bible should always be our starting place. What have you learned about sexual intimacy from the Bible? Through all of my marriage, I have prayed Psalm 37:4. My desires are usually wrong because they are impaired by sin. The things my sinful heart desires are not for my over-all benefit without God’s mercy and grace. I am naturally selfish and ungrateful in how or where to spend my time and effort. I have been joined with Tim in this life. God knew we needed each other to fulfill His plan for us on earth. Are we always filled with “desire” for one another emotionally, sexually, mentally and spiritually? No, but we are joined in perfect love through the death of Jesus; therefore, the Holy Spirit gives us new desires through His perfect love. I find it helpful to pray for desire for Tim in all these areas and have found that prayer to be blessed by God.

The hardest part of intimacy for me was having little kids needing my physical touch and a husband who has physical touch as his love language. I didn’t want to be touched by the time the kids were in bed after holding a baby or having kids sit on my lap needing hugs and kisses all day. Tim says the hardest thing for him was quality and quantity of time to be physically and emotionally intimate.

Parenting young kids was physically  exhausting for us. We did not feel great about our bodies a lot of time. We did not get enough sleep. We did not eat well all the time. Sometimes the expectation of perfect timing, perfect bodies, perfect outfit or conversation can destroy the priority of  physical intimacy.

We developed a couple of plans to help us make it a priority. Every couple has different needs, but every couple can intentionally talk about their needs and make their own plans. Here are some things that worked for us. Feel free to share any ideas you may have to add to the effectiveness of this blog.

Dinner in: we would skip afternoon nap for the kids and put them to bed early. We would then have late candlelight dinner at home while they were sleeping to encourage emotional connection and romance.

Thermometer: we kept a printout on our bathroom mirror of a sexual intimacy thermometer with arrows to show each other our sexual mood on a sliding scale. Everything from “don’t want to be touched tonight” to “ready, willing and able” to effectively communicate each others needs and desires.

Sexual intimacy qualifiers: We developed a system of intimacy code words. We use “fast food” or “gourmet” to inform each other of what we are willing to make time for and how to adjust it to each others needs.

Physical intimacy seems like a lot of work when you are covered in spit up, changing diapers, managing tantrums and competing with work schedules. Any intentional conversations and plans help couples prioritize this important part of a healthy marriage. It is important for us as parents to model positive, loving, exciting, appropriate physical love in marriage to our children.

Cindy’s Personal research: I have heard parents of elementary and high school children use date night terminology. They stay in and have each child stay in their rooms for a couple hours. Other friends send their kids out for a couple hours once a week to friends houses in a date night co-op situation. I am collecting other ideas if you know of any.

Cindy’s Book Resources: I found Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow to be life changing. We found people at Vista have recommended His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr. and our own Marla Taviano writes about this in her book Is It all He Thinks About?

Website for Men: Ignite her passion=This has been recommended to KC by some Vista men as a godly approach to sexual intimacy in marriage. As a woman I have not viewed it. Would like to know what some of you guys think.

Website for Couples that Cindy likes: Marriage intimacy=has great links to various sites. I can vouch for the articles that I have read, but I cannot vouch for the whole site archives personally. I have found most of the  information on The Intimate Couple to be theological and practical on how to practice intimacy in marriage. I personally am not a fan of most of what I have read on Christianmarriage.com.

Ali and Matt Hooper: God’s Timing

Matt and Ali Hooper are part of our Vista family. They have been on the forefront of this church plant from the beginning. Ali runs a blog called blessed treehouse and Matt helps facilitate a Friday morning men’s group with Vista guys. They both head up the connections team on Sunday morning at Vista. I know you will be blessed by Ali’s offering below.

Two years ago, shortly after the birth of my son, we made the decision to sacrifice a second income so that I could be home with our boy. Actually, it was God’s decision. Months after my son was born, I applied for a position with the school where I was a long-term sub, and naturally, I thought I had the job in the bag. As it turns out, I didn’t get the job. Oh-holy-humbling. I felt so defeated. And disappointed. Especially because with two incomes, my husband and I thought that we could afford to start trying for a second child – a decision that we knew came with huge financial responsibility (my first c-section cost over $30,000).

Anyone else notice all that was wrong with our perspective? God sure noticed. My over-confidence in job security. My insistence that a certain level of financial security equated to our ability to carry out OUR plan. Even the lack of confidence in God’s ability to provide for us as we tackled medical bills.

So there we were, living humbly on a single-income, still paying off medical bills from my pregnancy and delivery, and wondering if we’d ever be able to afford more children (yes, we have health insurance, but it didn’t cover all of our bills). Though I very much tried to live in the moment with my then six-month-old son (he was and still is the delight of my life), I couldn’t help but feel discouraged that God’s plan apparently wasn’t my plan. I was praying for a part-time-work-from-home-school-counseling-job (or the impossible) and, in an effort to get back to a more positive mindset, I began taking daily jogs.

One Saturday morning, I grabbed my running shoes and headed out for a quick jog. As I made my return home, I came to a ditch and my foot slipped on the early morning dew still covering the grass. My foot planted in the ditch as my body kept moving forward. I heard three awful pops and landed face-first in the grass. I knew right away that my ankle was broken.

Fast forward several days – I’m rolled into the OR for surgery to mend my very-broken ankle. And guess what? Ankle surgery ain’t much cheaper than a c-section. Now we had medical bills out the wazoo. I was physically unable to even pick-up my crazy-busy six-month-old. And my hopes of jogging my way to sanity were shot. And to top it all off, eight weeks of being confined to the couch and bed resulted in something I wasn’t quite expecting: a pregnancy.

Of course we were thrilled, but deep down, I was frightened. Everything that had once given me security had been taken from me – my physical abilities, financial stability, even my self-worth from a job. And throw in the challenges of a soon-to-be-toddler and pregnancy hormones – Yikes! Thank you, Jesus, for giving me a patient and levelheaded husband!

Fast-forward almost two years. My son is more delightful than ever. My daughter is beautiful and healthy. And I’m jogging again (I even completed a half-marathon in May). And remember that flippant and impossible prayer I delivered in the midst of my defeat and disappointment – a prayer for a part-time-work-from-home-school-counseling-job? Well I forgot about it. But guess who didn’t? The one-and-only, always-faithful, nothing-is-impossible-for-Him, crazy-awesome God.

Two months ago I accepted the impossible: a part-time-work-from-home-school-counseling-job. I am so not kidding. It is as if God was saying, “I never forgot about you, but I needed the timing to be perfect. Your timing, Ali, was not my timing. Your securities are not my securities.” I am so blown away by His faithfulness. And in case you were wondering, we paid off all of our medical bills. Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of bills. All before I accepted the job. All on one income. Because with God, ALL things ARE possible.

Scriptures for meditation:

Isaiah 55:8, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.”

Romans 12:2, “God’s will is good, pleasing, and perfect.”

Acts 1:7, “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.”

Ecclesiastes 3:11, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”

In the world

Many of our fellow Vista family members headed for Cambodia this summer. The Eisel family was honored to be able to financially support some and prayerfully support all. Vista will be spending the whole service on Sunday July 18th talking about the Cambodia experiences. You may want to have your children experience this service of thanksgiving and celebration.

Participating in church volunteering, mission trips and community service opportunities as a family is central to who we are. Tim and I grew up in families that valued these things and have decided to make them central in our own family. Our family verse is Micah 6:8:

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Several families at Vista applied this verse to the Somali Batu community in Columbus. Working with community leaders and Heritage Christian Church, we provided Bible stories and activities for many Somalian children living in our city. It was heartwarming to see these children have a safe place to do crafts, games, sing and share a meal. We look forward to the next club July 19th – 22nd.

Aaron Eisel and Mohamud

Vista provides links to many opportunities in order that families can live this verse out in the community and world. It is not just a good idea, but a command from God. Do we heed that command in our daily interactions with others? Do we intentionally look for ways to live this out in neighborhood, city, state and country. Do we talk about it with our kids so they are raised looking for areas to enact this command? Where is God leading your family to live out Micah 6:8?

Books We like: Growing Compassionate Kids by Jan Johnson: Helping Kids see beyond their Backyard

Parenting Tip: Make a prayer walk a monthly part of your family schedule. Walk or ride bikes through a section of your neighborhood, school district or city. Stop a certain points and talk about how to pray for the groups, leaders or residents in that area. Write them down and pray at home or pray quietly together on site.

The testing of a family

I recently hurt my back. The kids and I were planting flowers when the shovel got the better of me. The result was about 2 weeks bed rest with a lot of slack being picked up by my family. As I lay recovering, many people pitched in to help my family. I truly am grateful for their help, but the thing that most impressed me was my children.

We often talk about ourselves as a team: The Eisel team. We have trained our kids to know they are responsible for their behavior and participation on our team. We have practiced good team behaviors including personal responsibility, kindness, selflessness and encouragement. We intentionally  take time to remind each other what we value about each other. We have family goals, a family verse and family rules to define our life together.

I saw this training pay off during those two weeks. My children served me with compassion. They prayed over my health. They rallied together to tackle chores and household job they had never performed before. All of it was done without selfish ambition or complaining on their part. They did not ask for reward for this team work and delighted in their accomplishments together. They bore the disruption of their routine, their desires and their needs with grace. They were even praised by several people for their polite and loving attitudes along the way.

Is this a regular occurrence in our house? Not really. We have our good and bad days as any other family. We certainly felt the prayers of others for our sanity and healing during that time. Our home received a special measure of grace from God to persevere during this small test. It proves that we can continue to grow together in order to meet bigger tests to come.

The bottom line is that we have trained for this. All our time devoted to family devotions, prayer, encouragement and family fun nights were drills for this small emergency. My kids put into practice what we have been studying and talking about as a family since they were little. They passed this test. They caught and lived what we have been trying to build into them. I was humbled by the goodness of God and blessed to share life with these three children. I know I won’t see our training working like this every week. There will be other family tests we do not pass so gracefully, but it was a true gift to see them rise to this occasion.

Parenting Tip: Have you ever talked as a family about your “team”. What is your goal as a family? What defines your team? What are your guidelines, rules and expectations? We cannot instruct or train our children without being intentional about our expectations and goals. We need to talk about them, study God’s word regarding them and pray through them. Children as young as 3 can begin to contribute and understand the team concept. Make a family team cheer, verse, banner and rule book together. Let everyone contribute. God gave you to one another for the purpose of building into each other.

Books we like: The Original 21 Rules of This House by Josh Harris

Website we like: www.accountablekids.com, www.christian-parent.com/writing-a-family-mission-statement

Public Parenting

When do you chose to correct your child’s behavior? This is an interesting question. We are often told a quick consistent response is the key to training children. I am in favor of the quick consistent response as long as you protect their privacy. It would be beneficial for parents to remember that having a QUIET, quick and consistent response can protect a child’s spirit. We need to focus on training disobedience or ignorance without belittling people.

Now that nice weather is upon us, public parenting is striking fear into many parents. I often question the motivation of parents when they share their fear of parenting in public with me. Are you concerned about your child’s behavior or how your family will look to people? Pride can be a huge deterrent to effective parenting. If I am worried about earning the “most together family” award at the local pool or park, my heart might need to change.

We can let pride pull us away from our first responsibility of parenting. Training children to become what God desires them to be is an everyday job. There will be good and bad days. I have seen many parents, including myself, resort to verbal abuse when their kids misbehave in public. This can take a few forms:

• Attacking a child’s character instead of dealing with their behavior – “You’re a brat!  Why do you have to be a brat!”
• Shaming your child publicly by yelling across the playground – “Stop being a bully or I’ll come over there!”
• Disrespecting your child to draw attention away from yourself – “No wonder I’m crazy! Wouldn’t you be if you had him as a kid?”

We do not have to crush spirits in order to maintain obedience in our families. It is helpful to remove ourselves from the public eye to correct and comment on behavior. Think how embarrassing it is to be corrected in front of people. Do we give that same consideration to our children? A quiet kind word of instruction can bring about a quicker change than shining a spotlight on bad behavior. We need to protect our children and give them quiet, quick and consistent correction. It is important to prep them ahead of time to insure good behavior. Talking about expectations and consequences before hand can stop many bad behaviors. Quietly correcting behavior can assure our kids of dignity in an adverse situation. Our children will respect us more if we show them respect.

Books we like: Families Where Grace Is In Place by Jeff VanVonderen

Parenting Tip: Take your children aside and use a quiet voice to correct their behavior instead of yelling instructions across the park or pool. It shows them they are respected and acknowledged as people. This will encourage the same behavior from them. “Beck and Call” is for animals not people in my opinion.

Privacy and respect

I have been contemplating the issue of privacy in the home: personal, marital, and familial. Recently I watched a popular TV show where parents battled with their teen regarding privacy. I also talked with a couple who was having trouble with privacy for their marriage in their home. All of this culminated in some teenage friends talking about wanting to simultaneously hide and share their lives with their parents.

Authenticity in the home is not so much authoritarian as it is being part of a team. A team needs to share, sacrifice and have knowledge to help one another.  When thinking about privacy for our home, it seems like respect is the underlying value. Character building is the goal of parenting. Kids live in our home and make mistakes. If a home runs on respect for one another, then we can engage in conflict resolution to encourage character. My mom and dad believed that children lived at home in order to coach them through life’s success and failure. They were inquisitive and available but not authoritarian. I guess I am landing on privacy not being so much of an issue if we are committed to letting our kids succeed and fail in our presence. Do they trust us enough for that? Are we trustworthy enough for that?

What are your children’s expectation of privacy in your home? What have you taught them about respecting your privacy?  Have you talked about living authentic, confessing lives before one another in order to help each other grow? Do you hide things from one another in secret and call it privacy?

It seems that the parents I polled who have the least amount of conflict communicated well laid out exceptions before any conflict took  place happened: no locked doors, ask before taking, respect personal space but don’t abuse it, responsibility means not having things to hide, all watch what everyone puts in their eyes and ears. Do your kids respect the rules of the house as an important member in it? I wonder what would happen in our homes if we read together one verse on honor from the Bible every night for a week. I wonder what would happen if we asked God questions about respect and listened for His answers.

Parenting Tip: How often do the demands of someone mess up what you are doing at the moment. We do not like being told to do something at a moment’s notice. Give your kids enough respect to prep them for action. “I will ask you to set the table in 10 min.” Teach your kids how to give a rational appeal to your demands on them. “Yes Dad, I will stop playing the game but can I have 10 min to finish this level?’ “Yes Mom, I will turn off my phone but can I have 2 min to finish this text?’ If they are modeled this respect then they are more apt to show it. “Yes, I will clean your black shirt but I am going to finish this blog entry first”

Book we like: Families were Grace is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen

Age of Opportunity by Paul David Tripp

Grace-based Parenting by Tim Kimmel

Grandparents

Kim Treichler recently reviewed a couple of books for Kids Community geared toward Grandparents.  Kim is the wife of Gary Treichler and they are the parents of two: Christy, 36 and Geoff, 34. They  have 3 grandchildren: Matthew 6, Abby 5 and Betsy 2.

We wanted to make sure that all Vista Grandparents know that they are invited to attend any Parent Equipping class. Germaine Copeland describes grandparents as a vital link between generations (p. 9). She encourages Grandparents to seek wisdom from the word and from His Spirit to build into the life of their grandchildren.

My Mom and Dad pray every night for one of their 14 grandchildren just like my Grandma and Grandpa Nieboer did before them.  My older nieces and nephews will give them specific prayer requests while the younger ones tell them how to pray for their school and extra activites. I have seen my nieces and nephews look at the checklist on more than one occasion to see how many check marks are behind their name.

Germaine Copeland advocates for grandparents to take a hands on approach to their grandchildren. She recommends walking alongside your grandchildren rather than talking at them. She says, “Whether you have full responsibility or part-time responsibility for your grandchildren, engage them in activities that you enjoy, talk to them about your interests and listen to the things that are important to them. Take time to laugh with them, go for walks with them, tuck them in bed, and pray with them (p.12).”

Parenting Tip: Ask Godly grandparents if they would pray about specifics for each child. Ask any Grandparent if there is a certain hobby or skill they would like to teach their grandchildren. The important idea is inclusion where and when they want to be included. If Grandparents are absent or far away, teach your children to pray for them and their needs. Communication and evaluation of expectations on both sides in love is the key to healthy relationships within between parents and grandparents.

Kim’s Reviews:

Prayers that avail much for Grandparents by Germaine Copeland – scripted prayers that you can say for your grandchildren. Helpful for a grandparent new to praying for grandchildren. It provides useful scriptures to encourage more Bible study in several areas.

Wells of Wisdom by Weaver and Stapleton – collection of stories by people about their own grandparents and encourages making meaningful memories with the next generation.

Grand Days published by Group Publishing – a quick read reference for grandparents that includes several practical ideas on how to share faith and grow in faith with your grandchildren ages preschool – middle school.

Transformer Moms

We are planning a luncheon to honor the mothers of Vista. As we work through the planning for May 15th, God has brought to mind many things that He has taught me through the transforming of Mothers during these 2 plus years. I wanted to share some with you.

I have seen exhausted mothers cease their worry and lay their cares at Jesus feet because they trust his wisdom more than their own

I have seen mothers struggling with addiction embrace God’s whisper to them of the freedom and forgiveness he offers

I have seen mothers who morn when their child recieves a diagnosis of ADHD be comforted by God’s promise of a hope and future

I have seen mothers who chose not to become mothers at a young age open their arms to the healing that comes from a God who carries our burdens

I have seen mothers who desire to bear children receive someone else’s natural born child into their heart and family by trusting God to work all things together

I have seen mothers walk their faith alone and impart it to their children day after day in the face of opposition

I have seen mothers bury children and yet be able to praise God for precious years, day or even hours

I have seen women ask God to help them forgive their own mothers and consider for the first time starting a family one day

I have seen women mother other people’s children in selfless joy to provide faith and comfort while releasing the dream of their own family to God’s will

I have seen single mothers conquer patterns of unhealthy desire and attention by focusing on Jesus first as their bridegroom

I have seen mothers care for mothers, mother-in-laws and even grandmothers all while caring for their own children because they believe God will supply all their needs

I have seen mothers ask their children for forgiveness for the past while sharing the peace they have encountered in a new life following Jesus

I have seen mothers cry out to God daily regarding the decisions of their adolescent and adult children who they know He will never abandon

I have seen mothers willing to admit their fear for and idolatry of their children because they know that they are called to encourage one another and build each other up

The stories of these women bring me to my knees in humility. They walk among you and are willing to share. Join us on the 15th of May in honoring mothers. Invite your family, a motherly neighbor, a mentor or friend. Be sure to ask whoever you meet if they would share their story. I trust you will find the experience as transforming as I have.

Are you aware of your feelings?

Crissy Bontrager and I just attended a parenting conference in Newark by the National Center for Biblical Parenting. One facet that came out of the conference was a conversation about how to help emerging adolescents deal with their feelings.  According to Dr. Richard Berry’s book Angry Kids, most children benefit from intentional training on expressing how they feel.

Crissy shared with me how an emotion chart can help train our children to identify what they are feeling. How amazing would it be if we could teach our children how to assess their feelings, be able to name them and share them? Dr. Berry states that “an important step in dealing with anger is identifying the feelings behind it.” Psychologist Neil Clark Warren believes that anger is not a primary emotion but an automatic response to other emotions. Our children can gain problem-solving abilities and character development skills by being trained to identify these underlying emotions.

Once we can talk about and identify feelings, we are in a better place to develop a rational plan for dealing with the emotions. Helping my children manage their feelings has helped me manage my own. It has helped me take steps to communicate more effectively with my husband, my friends and my coworkers. It is always amazing to me how these small intentional steps to understand myself and others lead me right back to who God created me to be. In Ephesians 2:1-10, Paul writes about how Christ allows us to understand who were were, who we are and who were are becoming. Praise God we are not left alone to wander in our emotions. We have a God who created us and promises to recreate us daily if we are willing to follow him.

Parenting Tip: Post emotion charts in your home. Talk about how name how you are feeling. This can begin with children as young as age two. You can find an example of a chart we use in Kids Community here and find charts for purchase here.

Family project: Young children can color or create their own emotion chart as an art project. Adolescent children may want to create a unique family feeling chart with emoticons to use on their phones and send through email. Adolescent’s may be more willing to text or email their feelings to parents rather than talk about them face to face.

Resources We Like: The Angry Teenager by William Lee Carter, Angry Kids by Dr. Richard L Berry, The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo, and Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande

Website We Like: www.peacemaker.net

Crissy and Brian Bontrager: Under God’s Umbrella

Under God’s Umbrella

Recently I sat in on the Parent Equipping class for 3 year olds. My children are currently 7 and 10; I was there simply to support my friend as she led the class. The topic of the class was  How to move beyond behavior modification to Godly Discipline. As the class began I realized I had become a little neglectful in the type of discipline I give my children. I was in need of a refresher in using God’s word and being consistent with discipline.

During the class the concept of The Circle of Blessing from the book Shepherding a Child’s Heart was shared. This concept comes from   Ephesians 6:1-3 (NIV):

Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother –which is the first commandment—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy a long life on the earth.

The Circle of Blessing is the idea that while obeying and honoring one’s parents, the child remains in the circle. The circle represents a place of safety and protection. However, if one steps out of the circle of blessing and chooses to disobey, the child is no longer in the safety of the circle.

This concept is not new for me. I have attended a couple Shepherding a Child’s Heart seminars, have read the book several times, and the first Bible verse my kids memorized was Ephesians 6:1. I realized during this class that as my children have gotten older I have stepped away from using this concept.  Discipline with my older son (age 10) has started taking on a different look; however, my younger son (age 7) can be a handful and I decided to reintroduce the Circle of Blessing into our family discipline strategy.

We talked about the Circle of Blessing as a family at dinner; I explained what it meant and even drew a picture, but my 7 year old just didn’t get it. So, I used the example of an umbrella. I asked him, “Why do we use an umbrella?” He replied with an eye roll, “So we don’t get wet in the rain.”  Then I asked, “What happens if we step out from under the umbrella?” He replied with another eye roll, “We get wet.” I then explained to him that the Circle of Blessing is like the umbrella: as long as we are under the umbrella (or inside the circle) we stay protected. The umbrella protects us from the rain while the Circle of Blessing protects us from the dangers of disobeying. Finally, he got it.

We have gotten back into the practice of reminding our children of the Circle of Blessing. I will often ask them this question: “Where do you want to be standing–in the rain or under God’s umbrella?” Discipline keeps our children safe and teaches them life lessons. The Circle of Blessing and living under God’s umbrella can help us teach our children the importance of obeying.

Parenting Resources:   Shepherding a Child’s Heart, by Tedd Tripp  Wise Words for Moms, by Ginger Plowman

Parenting Tip: With the coming of spring, use Crissy’s illustration as a family object lesson. Get a little wet together to bring home the idea as choosing to be under God’s umbrella.