Privacy and respect

I have been contemplating the issue of privacy in the home: personal, marital, and familial. Recently I watched a popular TV show where parents battled with their teen regarding privacy. I also talked with a couple who was having trouble with privacy for their marriage in their home. All of this culminated in some teenage friends talking about wanting to simultaneously hide and share their lives with their parents.

Authenticity in the home is not so much authoritarian as it is being part of a team. A team needs to share, sacrifice and have knowledge to help one another.  When thinking about privacy for our home, it seems like respect is the underlying value. Character building is the goal of parenting. Kids live in our home and make mistakes. If a home runs on respect for one another, then we can engage in conflict resolution to encourage character. My mom and dad believed that children lived at home in order to coach them through life’s success and failure. They were inquisitive and available but not authoritarian. I guess I am landing on privacy not being so much of an issue if we are committed to letting our kids succeed and fail in our presence. Do they trust us enough for that? Are we trustworthy enough for that?

What are your children’s expectation of privacy in your home? What have you taught them about respecting your privacy?  Have you talked about living authentic, confessing lives before one another in order to help each other grow? Do you hide things from one another in secret and call it privacy?

It seems that the parents I polled who have the least amount of conflict communicated well laid out exceptions before any conflict took  place happened: no locked doors, ask before taking, respect personal space but don’t abuse it, responsibility means not having things to hide, all watch what everyone puts in their eyes and ears. Do your kids respect the rules of the house as an important member in it? I wonder what would happen in our homes if we read together one verse on honor from the Bible every night for a week. I wonder what would happen if we asked God questions about respect and listened for His answers.

Parenting Tip: How often do the demands of someone mess up what you are doing at the moment. We do not like being told to do something at a moment’s notice. Give your kids enough respect to prep them for action. “I will ask you to set the table in 10 min.” Teach your kids how to give a rational appeal to your demands on them. “Yes Dad, I will stop playing the game but can I have 10 min to finish this level?’ “Yes Mom, I will turn off my phone but can I have 2 min to finish this text?’ If they are modeled this respect then they are more apt to show it. “Yes, I will clean your black shirt but I am going to finish this blog entry first”

Book we like: Families were Grace is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen

Age of Opportunity by Paul David Tripp

Grace-based Parenting by Tim Kimmel

Grandparents

Kim Treichler recently reviewed a couple of books for Kids Community geared toward Grandparents.  Kim is the wife of Gary Treichler and they are the parents of two: Christy, 36 and Geoff, 34. They  have 3 grandchildren: Matthew 6, Abby 5 and Betsy 2.

We wanted to make sure that all Vista Grandparents know that they are invited to attend any Parent Equipping class. Germaine Copeland describes grandparents as a vital link between generations (p. 9). She encourages Grandparents to seek wisdom from the word and from His Spirit to build into the life of their grandchildren.

My Mom and Dad pray every night for one of their 14 grandchildren just like my Grandma and Grandpa Nieboer did before them.  My older nieces and nephews will give them specific prayer requests while the younger ones tell them how to pray for their school and extra activites. I have seen my nieces and nephews look at the checklist on more than one occasion to see how many check marks are behind their name.

Germaine Copeland advocates for grandparents to take a hands on approach to their grandchildren. She recommends walking alongside your grandchildren rather than talking at them. She says, “Whether you have full responsibility or part-time responsibility for your grandchildren, engage them in activities that you enjoy, talk to them about your interests and listen to the things that are important to them. Take time to laugh with them, go for walks with them, tuck them in bed, and pray with them (p.12).”

Parenting Tip: Ask Godly grandparents if they would pray about specifics for each child. Ask any Grandparent if there is a certain hobby or skill they would like to teach their grandchildren. The important idea is inclusion where and when they want to be included. If Grandparents are absent or far away, teach your children to pray for them and their needs. Communication and evaluation of expectations on both sides in love is the key to healthy relationships within between parents and grandparents.

Kim’s Reviews:

Prayers that avail much for Grandparents by Germaine Copeland – scripted prayers that you can say for your grandchildren. Helpful for a grandparent new to praying for grandchildren. It provides useful scriptures to encourage more Bible study in several areas.

Wells of Wisdom by Weaver and Stapleton – collection of stories by people about their own grandparents and encourages making meaningful memories with the next generation.

Grand Days published by Group Publishing – a quick read reference for grandparents that includes several practical ideas on how to share faith and grow in faith with your grandchildren ages preschool – middle school.

Transformer Moms

We are planning a luncheon to honor the mothers of Vista. As we work through the planning for May 15th, God has brought to mind many things that He has taught me through the transforming of Mothers during these 2 plus years. I wanted to share some with you.

I have seen exhausted mothers cease their worry and lay their cares at Jesus feet because they trust his wisdom more than their own

I have seen mothers struggling with addiction embrace God’s whisper to them of the freedom and forgiveness he offers

I have seen mothers who morn when their child recieves a diagnosis of ADHD be comforted by God’s promise of a hope and future

I have seen mothers who chose not to become mothers at a young age open their arms to the healing that comes from a God who carries our burdens

I have seen mothers who desire to bear children receive someone else’s natural born child into their heart and family by trusting God to work all things together

I have seen mothers walk their faith alone and impart it to their children day after day in the face of opposition

I have seen mothers bury children and yet be able to praise God for precious years, day or even hours

I have seen women ask God to help them forgive their own mothers and consider for the first time starting a family one day

I have seen women mother other people’s children in selfless joy to provide faith and comfort while releasing the dream of their own family to God’s will

I have seen single mothers conquer patterns of unhealthy desire and attention by focusing on Jesus first as their bridegroom

I have seen mothers care for mothers, mother-in-laws and even grandmothers all while caring for their own children because they believe God will supply all their needs

I have seen mothers ask their children for forgiveness for the past while sharing the peace they have encountered in a new life following Jesus

I have seen mothers cry out to God daily regarding the decisions of their adolescent and adult children who they know He will never abandon

I have seen mothers willing to admit their fear for and idolatry of their children because they know that they are called to encourage one another and build each other up

The stories of these women bring me to my knees in humility. They walk among you and are willing to share. Join us on the 15th of May in honoring mothers. Invite your family, a motherly neighbor, a mentor or friend. Be sure to ask whoever you meet if they would share their story. I trust you will find the experience as transforming as I have.

Are you aware of your feelings?

Crissy Bontrager and I just attended a parenting conference in Newark by the National Center for Biblical Parenting. One facet that came out of the conference was a conversation about how to help emerging adolescents deal with their feelings.  According to Dr. Richard Berry’s book Angry Kids, most children benefit from intentional training on expressing how they feel.

Crissy shared with me how an emotion chart can help train our children to identify what they are feeling. How amazing would it be if we could teach our children how to assess their feelings, be able to name them and share them? Dr. Berry states that “an important step in dealing with anger is identifying the feelings behind it.” Psychologist Neil Clark Warren believes that anger is not a primary emotion but an automatic response to other emotions. Our children can gain problem-solving abilities and character development skills by being trained to identify these underlying emotions.

Once we can talk about and identify feelings, we are in a better place to develop a rational plan for dealing with the emotions. Helping my children manage their feelings has helped me manage my own. It has helped me take steps to communicate more effectively with my husband, my friends and my coworkers. It is always amazing to me how these small intentional steps to understand myself and others lead me right back to who God created me to be. In Ephesians 2:1-10, Paul writes about how Christ allows us to understand who were were, who we are and who were are becoming. Praise God we are not left alone to wander in our emotions. We have a God who created us and promises to recreate us daily if we are willing to follow him.

Parenting Tip: Post emotion charts in your home. Talk about how name how you are feeling. This can begin with children as young as age two. You can find an example of a chart we use in Kids Community here and find charts for purchase here.

Family project: Young children can color or create their own emotion chart as an art project. Adolescent children may want to create a unique family feeling chart with emoticons to use on their phones and send through email. Adolescent’s may be more willing to text or email their feelings to parents rather than talk about them face to face.

Resources We Like: The Angry Teenager by William Lee Carter, Angry Kids by Dr. Richard L Berry, The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo, and Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande

Website We Like: www.peacemaker.net

Crissy and Brian Bontrager: Under God’s Umbrella

Under God’s Umbrella

Recently I sat in on the Parent Equipping class for 3 year olds. My children are currently 7 and 10; I was there simply to support my friend as she led the class. The topic of the class was  How to move beyond behavior modification to Godly Discipline. As the class began I realized I had become a little neglectful in the type of discipline I give my children. I was in need of a refresher in using God’s word and being consistent with discipline.

During the class the concept of The Circle of Blessing from the book Shepherding a Child’s Heart was shared. This concept comes from   Ephesians 6:1-3 (NIV):

Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother –which is the first commandment—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy a long life on the earth.

The Circle of Blessing is the idea that while obeying and honoring one’s parents, the child remains in the circle. The circle represents a place of safety and protection. However, if one steps out of the circle of blessing and chooses to disobey, the child is no longer in the safety of the circle.

This concept is not new for me. I have attended a couple Shepherding a Child’s Heart seminars, have read the book several times, and the first Bible verse my kids memorized was Ephesians 6:1. I realized during this class that as my children have gotten older I have stepped away from using this concept.  Discipline with my older son (age 10) has started taking on a different look; however, my younger son (age 7) can be a handful and I decided to reintroduce the Circle of Blessing into our family discipline strategy.

We talked about the Circle of Blessing as a family at dinner; I explained what it meant and even drew a picture, but my 7 year old just didn’t get it. So, I used the example of an umbrella. I asked him, “Why do we use an umbrella?” He replied with an eye roll, “So we don’t get wet in the rain.”  Then I asked, “What happens if we step out from under the umbrella?” He replied with another eye roll, “We get wet.” I then explained to him that the Circle of Blessing is like the umbrella: as long as we are under the umbrella (or inside the circle) we stay protected. The umbrella protects us from the rain while the Circle of Blessing protects us from the dangers of disobeying. Finally, he got it.

We have gotten back into the practice of reminding our children of the Circle of Blessing. I will often ask them this question: “Where do you want to be standing–in the rain or under God’s umbrella?” Discipline keeps our children safe and teaches them life lessons. The Circle of Blessing and living under God’s umbrella can help us teach our children the importance of obeying.

Parenting Resources:   Shepherding a Child’s Heart, by Tedd Tripp  Wise Words for Moms, by Ginger Plowman

Parenting Tip: With the coming of spring, use Crissy’s illustration as a family object lesson. Get a little wet together to bring home the idea as choosing to be under God’s umbrella.

How soon we forget

Recently I was able to spend some time with two teenage friends , Mollie Grub and Kati Rusin. We took a late night trip to Taco Bell where they educated me on the intricate complexity of the late night menu; it was a necessary lesson as soon I will have a teenager of my own.

Why would a couple of teen girls want to hang with an almost 40 year old? Food helped, I’m sure, but we also attend the same church. I have introduced myself to these girls, asked them about their lives and received countless hugs from them. In short, we value each other enough to pursue a relationship. We may not be of the same generation, but we share a common faith community. We can share how God is moving in each others’ lives.

Kati and Molli gave me a lot of good instruction that night on how to be a better parent when my kids get their age. They reminded me of thoughts, feelings and fears in that stage of life. They loved me like a sister and encouraged me; I hope they feel the same.  I am trusting that God honored our love for one another and am believing the best.

Kids Community just started a recruiting drive that presses families to open their circle by encouraging multi-generational friendships. Families who recruit five multi-generational friends to work with their kids once a quarter can win a free family dinner and a subscription to Thriving Family magazine.  The drive is about valuing each other and pursuing Godly relationships across generations.

The trick to not forgetting is to act intentionally. It is important to model in the Christian community. Inclusion and inviting can be risky. Rejection is a fear that satan uses. Are we intentionally looking for, praying for and pursuing multi-generational relationships as a leading from the Holy Spirit?

The Amplified Bible quotes 1 Peter 4:9 this way: “Practice hospitality to one another – be hospitable, be a lover of strangers, with brotherly affection for the unknown quests, the foreigners, the poor and all others who come your way who are of Christ’s body”

Parenting Tip: Make a prayer chart with the following divisions: middle schooler, high schooler, college student, young professional, new married, new parents, single professional 30-50, empty nester, 50-70 year old, and  elderly friend. As a family look for one name in your neighborhood, work, school or church to fit into each area. Pray for these people together as a family and encourage one another brainstorm ways to pursue relationships with them this year. Ideas could be cards, phone calls, dinner invite, service project, event invite, hug, sit next to them at church.

Family Service Project: Make cards and take them to the local nursing home. Did you know that extended care facilities offer an easily assessable mission field in every city. Think of it as the crossroads of real life and the need for comfort.  It also is a great place to practice manners with young children and teens – handshake, saying their name, looking into someone’s eyes, responding appropriately, and practicing thank you.

Crissy and Brian Bontrager: Love your enemies

In our daily devotions we have been reading through the book of Luke. My seven year old son Michael has been intrigued by the lessons Jesus taught and he always looks forward to finding out what the next lesson is. However, when we came to Luke 6, he had a hard time understanding why we should love our enemies.

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.  ”If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Luke 6:27-36

We read these verses and discussed what Jesus was telling us to do; Michael could not understand why we should be nice to someone who has been mean to us. Tried as I might’ I could not explain well enough for him to understand. We ended the devotion with a prayer asking God to help us learn to love those who are mean. I felt like I had failed as a mom to teach the lesson of these verses to my son.

I continued to pray that God would reveal the meaning of these words to Michael. This morning on our way to school God did just that. Michael shared with me about a friend (we will call him Joe) in his class who has been lying (ie. My dad owns a race car, my grandma has a million dollars—the typical exaggerated lies children tell).  Michael shared that he gets angry when Joe lies to him, and that some of the other boys will not play with Joe anymore. He also shared that he felt bad that no one wanted to be Joe’s friend. I reminded Michael of the verses in Luke 6 and asked him if he thought God might be telling him to love Joe in spite of his lying.

As I watched Michael think this over I could see the understanding show on his face. Finally, he said with a big smile, “I can love him by being his friend even though I don’t like his lying!” He got it! We continued to talk about how we can pray for Joe and show Jesus’ love to him by being his friend. We said a quick prayer for Joe as we pulled up to the school, and Michael was ready to be Joe’s friend and pray for him all day long.

Even though Michael did not understand the meaning of these verses right away, I had not failed to relay the lesson. God gave Michael a greater understanding through this situation with his friend Joe and made the lesson real. I realized that the simple act of reading these verses with my children plants the lessons in their hearts even if I do not see the fruit right away; God is faithful and His word does not return void. (Isaiah 55:11)

Importance of boundaries: Daryl and Leslie Mayfield

Daryl and Leslie Mayfield were one of the first people from Dublin I met. Their friendship and guidance has blessed Tim and I over the last three years. They are authentic, teachable servants living at the crossroads of Jesus and real life. Daryl sent me this teaching by Michael Brooks from South Shores Church. It is a great follow-up to the Godly Obedience class we had on January 10th.

When my grandson Conner was young, he came to stay with us for several days while his parents were on vacation. My wife told me that bedtime was going to be a little challenging because Conner did not have a schedule — he was allowed to stay up as long as he wanted and was put to bed only after he fell asleep. Obviously, that wasn’t going to work for us.

On the first evening when 8:30 pm rolled around, we got Amanda (our youngest daughter) and Conner ready for bed — pajamas on and teeth brushed. Then I read them a story. “Okay, lights out, sleep well, see you in the morning,” I said as I kissed each one good night. Conner said: “But Grandpa I’m not ready to go to sleep.” I said: “Remember what I told you? The rules at Grandma and Grandpa’s house are a little different than Mommy and Daddy’s. At our house kids go to bed at 8:30. See you in the morning.” Conner obediently nodded: “Okay Grandpa.”

By the time my son and daughter-in-law picked up Conner after their trip, they were shocked to see he was not only going to bed at 8:30, but also eating what we ate at mealtime. My son asked: “How did you get him to do it?” My answer: “I just told him what the rules were — we all eat what Grandma makes (this isn’t a restaurant), and bedtime is at 8:30. It wasn’t very difficult because he’s a really great kid. You guys have done a wonderful job with him — just make sure he knows his boundaries and parenting will be a lot more enjoyable.”

Let me ask you this question in the context of our passage today: Did Conner know he was breaking a rule at his own house if he didn’t go to bed at 8:30, or  if he ate only peanut butter sandwiches (no jelly)? Of course not; where there is no law, there can be no trespass. Conner didn’t know there were rules, so he couldn’t be held accountable for breaking any. He thought bedtime was when he felt tired and he should eat only what tasted good.

In our passage today, Paul explains this same concept applied to man before the Law was given:  ”…sin is not taken into account when there is no law.” In other words, you can’t be punished for breaking a rule that doesn’t exist.

Parenting Tip: Play a game that is familiar to your child but drop all the rules. The player can do whatever he or she wants, whenever they want and for whatever reason. Discuss how the lack of rules equals chaos and that the rules are designed to make the game more fun for everyone. It is the same when playing the game of life. God designed us, knows what is best for us, and gives us a rulebook – the Bible. It is in our best interest to obey and live by His plan. (Durbin Parenting with Scripture p. 155)

Titus 2 living

There is a certain young woman who is somewhat of a celebrity to many girls at Vista. They rush to see her, give hugs and say hi. Her reaction to them always reminds me of what Jesus would have looked like greeting the little children. She takes time to notice them and shows them they are loved. She lives her life following the Titus 2 principle: look for someone to mentor you then turn around to invest in someone younger.

Recently this young woman hosted a sleepover for some of the girls who adore her. The purpose was two-fold; she desired the girls to have fun, but there was more to it than that.

Her first objective was to turn their adoration of her into adoration for Jesus. When they looked at her, she wanted to point them to Him by inviting them into her life; this meant sharing her home, her time and her story. She took the time to listen to them, play games with them and study God’s word with them.

Secondly, she wanted to model to another young woman and three high school girls how to invest in the lives of others. She built into their lives and wanted to encourage them to turn around looking for younger girls to influence. Afterward, they were amazed at how their time, gifts and talents had so much impact. “Sisters in Christ” was the phrase being celebrated.

This was not a Vista event. It was not something I planned or initiated as the Kids Community Director. This young woman prayed about her influence and how she could turn it for Jesus with Vista girls. Lives and perspectives were changed by young women and girls living out Titus 2. I am hoping this example sparks more of us to pray and consider who is building into us and who we are building into. Wouldn’t it be great if more of these building moments took place in our homes, our church, our schools and neighborhoods?

Parenting Tip: We have asked two families in the church who did not have children to be “special friends” with our different children. They spend time together a few times a year. The idea is to put safe Christian adults in their lives that show Christ to them in a way we cannot as parents. Erin Bradshaw is Elisabeth’s special friend. Because of Erin’s building into Elisabeth’s life, Elisabeth now considers Erin’s daughter Kaitlyn to be her special friend. That’s the Titus 2 principle.

A witness: The Hooper family

Ali and Matt Hooper are the definition of servants for Jesus. I am always astounded with where God is leading in their lives and how they humbly try to follow every step of the way. They are not perfect, but to me they are the perfect reflection of the grace and power of Jesus Christ; I am blessed to share them with you as guest bloggers.

One of our holiday traditions includes sending Christmas cards to friends and family. Recently I ran into a friend who had received this year’s card. She thanked me for the card, and then said, “I smiled reading your note; you sound so happy.”

I thanked her and then rambled on, “I have my moments, but the kids help me appreciate the simple pleasures in life.” She then added, “Reading your note, I thought, she’s so happy and I’m so not. I wonder what her secret is.” I gave her an awkward smile, and then I bombed. This friend, a fellow parent and someone who is not saved, had given me the perfect opportunity to share the Gospel with her.

In my head, I silently shared, Jesus! Jesus is my secret. But I bombed. I don’t remember what exactly I said to her, but it wasn’t the Gospel. Shame on me.

Later that I day I was beating myself up, disappointed that I didn’t share Jesus with her, and that I didn’t trust I Corinthians 2:4 “my message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power.” Why did I not rely on the power of the Holy Spirit to share the Gospel?

But God is merciful. And He was quick to remind me of the details of that card and note. In the note, I spoke of how God has blessed my family. I wished blessings upon her family, and I even included a personal invitation to our church’s Christmas program. No, I did not share the Gospel that day, but I shared my life with her. With a kind note and a gracious attitude, I lived to show Jesus in my heart. Only God knows my friend’s fate. I have been praying like crazy for her and her family. After all, her words, though few, said so much: she is so happy, and I am so not.

I pray that next time when I am given the opportunity to share Jesus, I trust the Holy Spirit, remembering that it is His power that delivers the message. Until then, I will continue to rely on God to help me through the daily battles of parenting, and to allow me to find happiness in simple earthly pleasures. I also pray that I live in such a way that other parents can see my secret . . . Jesus.

Gospel Tip: Write out a one page personal mission statement for 2010. Not so much a list of resolutions but a testimony to where God has brought you and how you plan to follow Him in 2010. It will make it easier to verbalize when you are in the situation described above.