Daughter of a King-Rikki Letizia

Several weeks ago I was driving home early from work so that I could help my teenage daughter prepare for a high school football game. She had been on my heart all day and when she had called me at the office I had offered to leave early and come home to help her with her make-up.

During my daily driving I had been praying for her, most specifically been praying that she would feel confident that evening amongst a new group of peers. Let’s face it being a teenager is just one of those times when most of us are still figuring out who we are and where we are headed. A couple of verses kept knocking around in my head during my prayers,

‘Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—’  John 1:12

‘The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.  Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.’ Romans 8:16-17

I knew what I needed to say to her and really, when I wasn’t face to face with her  – my confidence was mighty.  Fast forward to an hour and a half later when we were sitting on my bathroom floor; my daughter, her friend, and I and we were rushing through the make-up process because we were running low on time. My daughter’s nervousness was palpable.

Oh, did I forget to mention there was going to be a new boy who would be at this football game? There was a new boy (of course) and she had been confiding in me about her perceived deficits.  I felt prompted to tell her about the verses, but I was also eyeballing her friend and not wanting to embarrass my daughter. Finally, I had decided that it wouldn’t hurt either of them to hear what I needed to say.

“You are the daughter of a King and this is really, at the end of the day, just a high school boy.”

She looked at me dumbfounded, “What?  I don’t even know what you are saying to me right now?”

I saw the friend looking at me, like I had completely lost my mind.

“God is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords…” I implored in the verbal shorthand only she and I seem to share.

She started to giggle and said, “Oh!  I thought you were saying dad was royalty.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head.  “Um, if your Dad were a king I would totally be rocking a tiara right now and someone would be doing BOTH of our make-up.  Seriously, though I just want you to get your identity from the right place here and you are a daughter of the King of Kings.  I just don’t want you to forget that or get wrapped up in the stress of things that don’t matter.”

As I finished her make-up she was quiet and introspective as she was taking in what I had said.  I asked her if it made sense, if it would be helpful to her at all?  She told me that it did make sense and that she felt that it would be a helpful reminder throughout the night.

As a parent I just wanted to be sure that she felt the freedom of what that means.  That she felt and continues to feel the boost in her self-worth that it should give her.  We are not a commodity whose value is determined by how popular the school or the world tells us we are that day.  Our true value lies in the worth of our King.

Verses are a great way to battle self-esteem issues for ourselves and our children. I have used this for myself personally and with my children. Below I have listed some negative statements and some verses we have used to repudiate any negative thinking with regard to their self-worth:

I don’t like myself, I am not attractive, I am not good at anything

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  Psalm 139:14

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…”  Jeremiah 1:5

“He has made everything beautiful in its time…” Ecclesiastes 3:11

“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

I can never do this, it is too hard:

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  Isaiah 40:29-31

“…Everything is possible for him who believes.”  Mark 9:23

I don’t fit in, everyone is more popular than I am:

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  Romans 12:2

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice.   And the God of peace will be with you.”  Philippians 4:8-9

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”  Galatians 1:10

Bible App we like for itouch and ipad: “Bible Shaker is the quickest and easiest way to get Biblical passages and individual verses to help you in all areas of your life. Just choose a category and “shake” a scripture out, then click on the passage to read it. Need more? Shake it again to get another scripture.”

Resource we like:

199 Bible Verses for Teens

Daily Grace for Teens – Cook

Praying the Scriptures for your Teenager – Berndt

LifeCoach your Teens – Cross

In the world

Many of our fellow Vista family members headed for Cambodia this summer. The Eisel family was honored to be able to financially support some and prayerfully support all. Vista will be spending the whole service on Sunday July 18th talking about the Cambodia experiences. You may want to have your children experience this service of thanksgiving and celebration.

Participating in church volunteering, mission trips and community service opportunities as a family is central to who we are. Tim and I grew up in families that valued these things and have decided to make them central in our own family. Our family verse is Micah 6:8:

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Several families at Vista applied this verse to the Somali Batu community in Columbus. Working with community leaders and Heritage Christian Church, we provided Bible stories and activities for many Somalian children living in our city. It was heartwarming to see these children have a safe place to do crafts, games, sing and share a meal. We look forward to the next club July 19th – 22nd.

Aaron Eisel and Mohamud

Vista provides links to many opportunities in order that families can live this verse out in the community and world. It is not just a good idea, but a command from God. Do we heed that command in our daily interactions with others? Do we intentionally look for ways to live this out in neighborhood, city, state and country. Do we talk about it with our kids so they are raised looking for areas to enact this command? Where is God leading your family to live out Micah 6:8?

Books We like: Growing Compassionate Kids by Jan Johnson: Helping Kids see beyond their Backyard

Parenting Tip: Make a prayer walk a monthly part of your family schedule. Walk or ride bikes through a section of your neighborhood, school district or city. Stop a certain points and talk about how to pray for the groups, leaders or residents in that area. Write them down and pray at home or pray quietly together on site.

Public Parenting

When do you chose to correct your child’s behavior? This is an interesting question. We are often told a quick consistent response is the key to training children. I am in favor of the quick consistent response as long as you protect their privacy. It would be beneficial for parents to remember that having a QUIET, quick and consistent response can protect a child’s spirit. We need to focus on training disobedience or ignorance without belittling people.

Now that nice weather is upon us, public parenting is striking fear into many parents. I often question the motivation of parents when they share their fear of parenting in public with me. Are you concerned about your child’s behavior or how your family will look to people? Pride can be a huge deterrent to effective parenting. If I am worried about earning the “most together family” award at the local pool or park, my heart might need to change.

We can let pride pull us away from our first responsibility of parenting. Training children to become what God desires them to be is an everyday job. There will be good and bad days. I have seen many parents, including myself, resort to verbal abuse when their kids misbehave in public. This can take a few forms:

• Attacking a child’s character instead of dealing with their behavior – “You’re a brat!  Why do you have to be a brat!”
• Shaming your child publicly by yelling across the playground – “Stop being a bully or I’ll come over there!”
• Disrespecting your child to draw attention away from yourself – “No wonder I’m crazy! Wouldn’t you be if you had him as a kid?”

We do not have to crush spirits in order to maintain obedience in our families. It is helpful to remove ourselves from the public eye to correct and comment on behavior. Think how embarrassing it is to be corrected in front of people. Do we give that same consideration to our children? A quiet kind word of instruction can bring about a quicker change than shining a spotlight on bad behavior. We need to protect our children and give them quiet, quick and consistent correction. It is important to prep them ahead of time to insure good behavior. Talking about expectations and consequences before hand can stop many bad behaviors. Quietly correcting behavior can assure our kids of dignity in an adverse situation. Our children will respect us more if we show them respect.

Books we like: Families Where Grace Is In Place by Jeff VanVonderen

Parenting Tip: Take your children aside and use a quiet voice to correct their behavior instead of yelling instructions across the park or pool. It shows them they are respected and acknowledged as people. This will encourage the same behavior from them. “Beck and Call” is for animals not people in my opinion.

Are you aware of your feelings?

Crissy Bontrager and I just attended a parenting conference in Newark by the National Center for Biblical Parenting. One facet that came out of the conference was a conversation about how to help emerging adolescents deal with their feelings.  According to Dr. Richard Berry’s book Angry Kids, most children benefit from intentional training on expressing how they feel.

Crissy shared with me how an emotion chart can help train our children to identify what they are feeling. How amazing would it be if we could teach our children how to assess their feelings, be able to name them and share them? Dr. Berry states that “an important step in dealing with anger is identifying the feelings behind it.” Psychologist Neil Clark Warren believes that anger is not a primary emotion but an automatic response to other emotions. Our children can gain problem-solving abilities and character development skills by being trained to identify these underlying emotions.

Once we can talk about and identify feelings, we are in a better place to develop a rational plan for dealing with the emotions. Helping my children manage their feelings has helped me manage my own. It has helped me take steps to communicate more effectively with my husband, my friends and my coworkers. It is always amazing to me how these small intentional steps to understand myself and others lead me right back to who God created me to be. In Ephesians 2:1-10, Paul writes about how Christ allows us to understand who were were, who we are and who were are becoming. Praise God we are not left alone to wander in our emotions. We have a God who created us and promises to recreate us daily if we are willing to follow him.

Parenting Tip: Post emotion charts in your home. Talk about how name how you are feeling. This can begin with children as young as age two. You can find an example of a chart we use in Kids Community here and find charts for purchase here.

Family project: Young children can color or create their own emotion chart as an art project. Adolescent children may want to create a unique family feeling chart with emoticons to use on their phones and send through email. Adolescent’s may be more willing to text or email their feelings to parents rather than talk about them face to face.

Resources We Like: The Angry Teenager by William Lee Carter, Angry Kids by Dr. Richard L Berry, The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo, and Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande

Website We Like: www.peacemaker.net

Breaching the Dam

I wore my iPod headphones in the car tonight. I know – not a good practice. I had simply had enough of the torrent of discord flooding my car as we headed down I-270. The rain outside seemed to fuel the dissension inside. I took a moment to pray and then took off my headphones pronouncing “All of you are breaching the dam!”

Have you ever seen a dam that is becoming or has become breached? It is a fearfully awesome sight. There are great pictures of the Teton Dam breach taken by Eunice Olson at www.geol.ucsb.edu/faculty/sylvester/Teton_Dam/Teton Dam.html.  A small trickle turned into a deluge on June 5th, 1979 and unleashed disaster on many towns; the Teton reservoir took only four hours to spill through that little leak.

I showed these pictures to my kids to give them a visual of the picture painted in Proverbs 17:14. Little verbal leaks for the sake of argument can rapidly turn into spirit-killing confrontations.  Here is an example of a conversation that is breaching the dam:

• “you’re so smelly and I will vomit if you put that close to me!”
• “I will vomit if you continue to talk to me!”
• “I will vomit all over you and then you will know what smelly is!”
• “I will vomit all over myself and make sure you have to smell it all the way home!”

The creativity of the diatribe  increases with age. Most young kids start with the singsong “this is mine and you can’t  have it” while older kids may entice with “They love me best!” Regardless of how the conversation starts, the purpose  is enmity. It shows a heart of selfishness and hostility designed to cause strife. I did not want to deal with the consternation in the car, but God’s job for me in their lives is to train, even at the end of a tiring rainy day.

Stopping the breach is not simple, especially in the car where the purpose is to keep the vehicle on the road despite the surly children in close proximity to one another. We have discussed and trained for dam breaches. My kids know the heart consequences of breaching the dam and are aware that verbal violence can quickly lead to emotional and even physical damage. They know that Solomon knew what Thumper from the movie Bambi meant when he said “If you can’t say something nice… don’t say nothing at all.”

Proverbs 17:14 in The Message substitutes “leak” for breach and warns us to stop before the dam “bursts”. We practice how to stop the seepage before the burst and choose to focus on the heart damage when things have calmed down. This is why I had to utter only one phrase to stop the leaks from becoming a full-blown collapse. Conversations about heart changes came when we arrived safely at home. Just like a disaster crew cleans up after the flood waters recede, we cleaned up the emotional and spiritual wreckage of our dam breach. We then prayed for mouths, hands and hearts of loving-kindness.

Training Tip: Make your own dam after viewing the photos of the Teton Dam collapse. Read Proverbs 17:14 together. This is a great family project for the sandbox, the beach or the bathtub.

Resource We Like: Peacemaker ministries has many practical ideas for peacemaking strategies for families.

a home with an outward view

Tim and I went golfing recently on a course constructed over a landfill. It was an enjoyable experience and less smelly than we originally anticipated. It was an added plus that we both shot a good round. As we talked about this experience with our children, it was not lost on our family that this landfill exemplifies our way of life: we played golf on top of a landfill ,but in other places in the world people live on top of landfills.

This summer our family has been privileged to spend time with Jen Morgan. Jen is a great friend who happens to be in the States this summer resting from a year working in Cambodia with orphans. Our children have a greater sense of what is happening around the world by sharing a relationship with “Miss Jen”. We also have the benefit of knowing several other individuals and families who help people around the globe who live very different lives from ours.

One of the values we work to instill in our children is a value for all people. Engaging with people like Jen gives our children a wider view of the world. We discuss how our lives differ from other groups culturally, spiritually, and economically. We pray, volunteer and study in order to open our hearts and minds to everyone with whom we share this earth.

While we continue to focus our efforts locally as well, we believe that a complete outward view includes how God is moving beyond the borders of the United States; it is important for our kids to comprehend that the “body of Christ” is universal and faith is not just an “American” entity. Hopefully this focus will allow them to respond to the Spirit’s work in their hearts to develop compassion and servanthood.

We have committed to memorizing Micah 6:8 together as one of the Eisel family verses: “The Lord God has told us what is right and what He demands: see that justice is done, let mercy be your first concern and humbly obey your God” (CEV). Together we can choose to focus on helping change the lives of people who live on landfills, not just play golf on them.

Books we like: Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-absorbed World by Jill Rigby  and Growing Compassionate Kids by Jan Johnson

Resources used by our family: www.kidsofcourage.com, www.twr.org, and www.kidsglobaloutreach.org

My ears need a rest!

It is fascinating to watch the progression of  speech in a home with children. My grandparents thought is was funny to see my parents go through this, and my parents think its funny to see Tim and I go through it. The journey from “Say ‘dog’, Johnny, say ‘dog’. You can do it honey!” to “My child will not stop talking!” is relatively short in parenting years. I have learned a lot over the years about the importance of words, the value of silence, and selfishness in conversation. I could have used this information as a child – it might have saved me some relationships or at least some nasty comments on my report card. Here are some phrases we use to train our children on how to value how and why we use words wisely:

• “Please respond to your brother” – shows speaker as valued
• “Mommy’s ears a a little tired right now” – takes ownership for choosing to stop conversation and shows that stopping conversation can be healthy and helpful
• “I am choosing not to or am not able to connect with you right now” – takes ownership and shows value in conversation as a connection between people not just words
• “You are interrupting. Please wait until it is your turn to speak” – shows value of the words of others
• “There is nothing good or helpful coming out of your mouth right now” – show values in building up and encouraging others
• “You may sing that song or tell that story to me at another time” – shows value for time and place of words
• “Please sing or say those words to yourself” – show value of silence

It may seem rather odd to talk about being self-controlled in our speech on a blog site; the blog world could use some self-control. Training our children to value the words they speak and the words spoken by others appears culturally unimportant in the age of twitter, texting and blogging. This is, then, all the more reason to be diligent in following what God says about our mouths, our words and our purpose of speaking.

Encourage one another and build each other up – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you oh Lord my rock and my Redeemer -  Psalm 19:14

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry – James 1:19

Don’t let any foolish talk come out of your mouth, only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs so that it may benefit those who listen – Ephesian 4:29

The last one is the verse we taught our children when they were old enough to form sentences. It has helped us all -  reminded us that ears deserve a rest. Hopefully it will save us from nasty comments on report cards also.

Parenting Tip: When Tim or I are speaking with someone, instead of interrupting with words, our children will place their hand on our leg to get our attention when they need to speak to us; it shows them their comments  are valued while teaching them how to wait their turn.

Resource: Books we like that help train ourselves and our families with truths from scripture: Wise Words for Moms and Don’t Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman