Sexual intimacy and parenting

My children are all in school now. Tim and I have been blessed to prosper in our former stage of parenting with our sexual intimacy still intact. For this to happen, we had to act intentionally. I have been asking anyone I can find with teenagers how to make physical intimacy a priority through the next stage when kids are more aware and up much later at night. Someone asked me to share what worked for us in the last stage of life. So here it is.

I have been struggling with what to say in this blog about the Biblical tie to intentional physical intimacy in marriage. We don’t want to try to fit a Bible reference here to cover our bases. I don’t want to push ideas into scripture; rather, pull truth from them. The Bible should always be our starting place. What have you learned about sexual intimacy from the Bible? Through all of my marriage, I have prayed Psalm 37:4. My desires are usually wrong because they are impaired by sin. The things my sinful heart desires are not for my over-all benefit without God’s mercy and grace. I am naturally selfish and ungrateful in how or where to spend my time and effort. I have been joined with Tim in this life. God knew we needed each other to fulfill His plan for us on earth. Are we always filled with “desire” for one another emotionally, sexually, mentally and spiritually? No, but we are joined in perfect love through the death of Jesus; therefore, the Holy Spirit gives us new desires through His perfect love. I find it helpful to pray for desire for Tim in all these areas and have found that prayer to be blessed by God.

The hardest part of intimacy for me was having little kids needing my physical touch and a husband who has physical touch as his love language. I didn’t want to be touched by the time the kids were in bed after holding a baby or having kids sit on my lap needing hugs and kisses all day. Tim says the hardest thing for him was quality and quantity of time to be physically and emotionally intimate.

Parenting young kids was physically  exhausting for us. We did not feel great about our bodies a lot of time. We did not get enough sleep. We did not eat well all the time. Sometimes the expectation of perfect timing, perfect bodies, perfect outfit or conversation can destroy the priority of  physical intimacy.

We developed a couple of plans to help us make it a priority. Every couple has different needs, but every couple can intentionally talk about their needs and make their own plans. Here are some things that worked for us. Feel free to share any ideas you may have to add to the effectiveness of this blog.

Dinner in: we would skip afternoon nap for the kids and put them to bed early. We would then have late candlelight dinner at home while they were sleeping to encourage emotional connection and romance.

Thermometer: we kept a printout on our bathroom mirror of a sexual intimacy thermometer with arrows to show each other our sexual mood on a sliding scale. Everything from “don’t want to be touched tonight” to “ready, willing and able” to effectively communicate each others needs and desires.

Sexual intimacy qualifiers: We developed a system of intimacy code words. We use “fast food” or “gourmet” to inform each other of what we are willing to make time for and how to adjust it to each others needs.

Physical intimacy seems like a lot of work when you are covered in spit up, changing diapers, managing tantrums and competing with work schedules. Any intentional conversations and plans help couples prioritize this important part of a healthy marriage. It is important for us as parents to model positive, loving, exciting, appropriate physical love in marriage to our children.

Cindy’s Personal research: I have heard parents of elementary and high school children use date night terminology. They stay in and have each child stay in their rooms for a couple hours. Other friends send their kids out for a couple hours once a week to friends houses in a date night co-op situation. I am collecting other ideas if you know of any.

Cindy’s Book Resources: I found Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow to be life changing. We found people at Vista have recommended His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr. and our own Marla Taviano writes about this in her book Is It all He Thinks About?

Website for Men: Ignite her passion=This has been recommended to KC by some Vista men as a godly approach to sexual intimacy in marriage. As a woman I have not viewed it. Would like to know what some of you guys think.

Website for Couples that Cindy likes: Marriage intimacy=has great links to various sites. I can vouch for the articles that I have read, but I cannot vouch for the whole site archives personally. I have found most of the  information on The Intimate Couple to be theological and practical on how to practice intimacy in marriage. I personally am not a fan of most of what I have read on Christianmarriage.com.

Ali and Matt Hooper: God’s Timing

Matt and Ali Hooper are part of our Vista family. They have been on the forefront of this church plant from the beginning. Ali runs a blog called blessed treehouse and Matt helps facilitate a Friday morning men’s group with Vista guys. They both head up the connections team on Sunday morning at Vista. I know you will be blessed by Ali’s offering below.

Two years ago, shortly after the birth of my son, we made the decision to sacrifice a second income so that I could be home with our boy. Actually, it was God’s decision. Months after my son was born, I applied for a position with the school where I was a long-term sub, and naturally, I thought I had the job in the bag. As it turns out, I didn’t get the job. Oh-holy-humbling. I felt so defeated. And disappointed. Especially because with two incomes, my husband and I thought that we could afford to start trying for a second child – a decision that we knew came with huge financial responsibility (my first c-section cost over $30,000).

Anyone else notice all that was wrong with our perspective? God sure noticed. My over-confidence in job security. My insistence that a certain level of financial security equated to our ability to carry out OUR plan. Even the lack of confidence in God’s ability to provide for us as we tackled medical bills.

So there we were, living humbly on a single-income, still paying off medical bills from my pregnancy and delivery, and wondering if we’d ever be able to afford more children (yes, we have health insurance, but it didn’t cover all of our bills). Though I very much tried to live in the moment with my then six-month-old son (he was and still is the delight of my life), I couldn’t help but feel discouraged that God’s plan apparently wasn’t my plan. I was praying for a part-time-work-from-home-school-counseling-job (or the impossible) and, in an effort to get back to a more positive mindset, I began taking daily jogs.

One Saturday morning, I grabbed my running shoes and headed out for a quick jog. As I made my return home, I came to a ditch and my foot slipped on the early morning dew still covering the grass. My foot planted in the ditch as my body kept moving forward. I heard three awful pops and landed face-first in the grass. I knew right away that my ankle was broken.

Fast forward several days – I’m rolled into the OR for surgery to mend my very-broken ankle. And guess what? Ankle surgery ain’t much cheaper than a c-section. Now we had medical bills out the wazoo. I was physically unable to even pick-up my crazy-busy six-month-old. And my hopes of jogging my way to sanity were shot. And to top it all off, eight weeks of being confined to the couch and bed resulted in something I wasn’t quite expecting: a pregnancy.

Of course we were thrilled, but deep down, I was frightened. Everything that had once given me security had been taken from me – my physical abilities, financial stability, even my self-worth from a job. And throw in the challenges of a soon-to-be-toddler and pregnancy hormones – Yikes! Thank you, Jesus, for giving me a patient and levelheaded husband!

Fast-forward almost two years. My son is more delightful than ever. My daughter is beautiful and healthy. And I’m jogging again (I even completed a half-marathon in May). And remember that flippant and impossible prayer I delivered in the midst of my defeat and disappointment – a prayer for a part-time-work-from-home-school-counseling-job? Well I forgot about it. But guess who didn’t? The one-and-only, always-faithful, nothing-is-impossible-for-Him, crazy-awesome God.

Two months ago I accepted the impossible: a part-time-work-from-home-school-counseling-job. I am so not kidding. It is as if God was saying, “I never forgot about you, but I needed the timing to be perfect. Your timing, Ali, was not my timing. Your securities are not my securities.” I am so blown away by His faithfulness. And in case you were wondering, we paid off all of our medical bills. Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of bills. All before I accepted the job. All on one income. Because with God, ALL things ARE possible.

Scriptures for meditation:

Isaiah 55:8, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.”

Romans 12:2, “God’s will is good, pleasing, and perfect.”

Acts 1:7, “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.”

Ecclesiastes 3:11, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”

The testing of a family

I recently hurt my back. The kids and I were planting flowers when the shovel got the better of me. The result was about 2 weeks bed rest with a lot of slack being picked up by my family. As I lay recovering, many people pitched in to help my family. I truly am grateful for their help, but the thing that most impressed me was my children.

We often talk about ourselves as a team: The Eisel team. We have trained our kids to know they are responsible for their behavior and participation on our team. We have practiced good team behaviors including personal responsibility, kindness, selflessness and encouragement. We intentionally  take time to remind each other what we value about each other. We have family goals, a family verse and family rules to define our life together.

I saw this training pay off during those two weeks. My children served me with compassion. They prayed over my health. They rallied together to tackle chores and household job they had never performed before. All of it was done without selfish ambition or complaining on their part. They did not ask for reward for this team work and delighted in their accomplishments together. They bore the disruption of their routine, their desires and their needs with grace. They were even praised by several people for their polite and loving attitudes along the way.

Is this a regular occurrence in our house? Not really. We have our good and bad days as any other family. We certainly felt the prayers of others for our sanity and healing during that time. Our home received a special measure of grace from God to persevere during this small test. It proves that we can continue to grow together in order to meet bigger tests to come.

The bottom line is that we have trained for this. All our time devoted to family devotions, prayer, encouragement and family fun nights were drills for this small emergency. My kids put into practice what we have been studying and talking about as a family since they were little. They passed this test. They caught and lived what we have been trying to build into them. I was humbled by the goodness of God and blessed to share life with these three children. I know I won’t see our training working like this every week. There will be other family tests we do not pass so gracefully, but it was a true gift to see them rise to this occasion.

Parenting Tip: Have you ever talked as a family about your “team”. What is your goal as a family? What defines your team? What are your guidelines, rules and expectations? We cannot instruct or train our children without being intentional about our expectations and goals. We need to talk about them, study God’s word regarding them and pray through them. Children as young as 3 can begin to contribute and understand the team concept. Make a family team cheer, verse, banner and rule book together. Let everyone contribute. God gave you to one another for the purpose of building into each other.

Books we like: The Original 21 Rules of This House by Josh Harris

Website we like: www.accountablekids.com, www.christian-parent.com/writing-a-family-mission-statement

Grandparents

Kim Treichler recently reviewed a couple of books for Kids Community geared toward Grandparents.  Kim is the wife of Gary Treichler and they are the parents of two: Christy, 36 and Geoff, 34. They  have 3 grandchildren: Matthew 6, Abby 5 and Betsy 2.

We wanted to make sure that all Vista Grandparents know that they are invited to attend any Parent Equipping class. Germaine Copeland describes grandparents as a vital link between generations (p. 9). She encourages Grandparents to seek wisdom from the word and from His Spirit to build into the life of their grandchildren.

My Mom and Dad pray every night for one of their 14 grandchildren just like my Grandma and Grandpa Nieboer did before them.  My older nieces and nephews will give them specific prayer requests while the younger ones tell them how to pray for their school and extra activites. I have seen my nieces and nephews look at the checklist on more than one occasion to see how many check marks are behind their name.

Germaine Copeland advocates for grandparents to take a hands on approach to their grandchildren. She recommends walking alongside your grandchildren rather than talking at them. She says, “Whether you have full responsibility or part-time responsibility for your grandchildren, engage them in activities that you enjoy, talk to them about your interests and listen to the things that are important to them. Take time to laugh with them, go for walks with them, tuck them in bed, and pray with them (p.12).”

Parenting Tip: Ask Godly grandparents if they would pray about specifics for each child. Ask any Grandparent if there is a certain hobby or skill they would like to teach their grandchildren. The important idea is inclusion where and when they want to be included. If Grandparents are absent or far away, teach your children to pray for them and their needs. Communication and evaluation of expectations on both sides in love is the key to healthy relationships within between parents and grandparents.

Kim’s Reviews:

Prayers that avail much for Grandparents by Germaine Copeland – scripted prayers that you can say for your grandchildren. Helpful for a grandparent new to praying for grandchildren. It provides useful scriptures to encourage more Bible study in several areas.

Wells of Wisdom by Weaver and Stapleton – collection of stories by people about their own grandparents and encourages making meaningful memories with the next generation.

Grand Days published by Group Publishing – a quick read reference for grandparents that includes several practical ideas on how to share faith and grow in faith with your grandchildren ages preschool – middle school.

Transformer Moms

We are planning a luncheon to honor the mothers of Vista. As we work through the planning for May 15th, God has brought to mind many things that He has taught me through the transforming of Mothers during these 2 plus years. I wanted to share some with you.

I have seen exhausted mothers cease their worry and lay their cares at Jesus feet because they trust his wisdom more than their own

I have seen mothers struggling with addiction embrace God’s whisper to them of the freedom and forgiveness he offers

I have seen mothers who morn when their child recieves a diagnosis of ADHD be comforted by God’s promise of a hope and future

I have seen mothers who chose not to become mothers at a young age open their arms to the healing that comes from a God who carries our burdens

I have seen mothers who desire to bear children receive someone else’s natural born child into their heart and family by trusting God to work all things together

I have seen mothers walk their faith alone and impart it to their children day after day in the face of opposition

I have seen mothers bury children and yet be able to praise God for precious years, day or even hours

I have seen women ask God to help them forgive their own mothers and consider for the first time starting a family one day

I have seen women mother other people’s children in selfless joy to provide faith and comfort while releasing the dream of their own family to God’s will

I have seen single mothers conquer patterns of unhealthy desire and attention by focusing on Jesus first as their bridegroom

I have seen mothers care for mothers, mother-in-laws and even grandmothers all while caring for their own children because they believe God will supply all their needs

I have seen mothers ask their children for forgiveness for the past while sharing the peace they have encountered in a new life following Jesus

I have seen mothers cry out to God daily regarding the decisions of their adolescent and adult children who they know He will never abandon

I have seen mothers willing to admit their fear for and idolatry of their children because they know that they are called to encourage one another and build each other up

The stories of these women bring me to my knees in humility. They walk among you and are willing to share. Join us on the 15th of May in honoring mothers. Invite your family, a motherly neighbor, a mentor or friend. Be sure to ask whoever you meet if they would share their story. I trust you will find the experience as transforming as I have.

How soon we forget

Recently I was able to spend some time with two teenage friends , Mollie Grub and Kati Rusin. We took a late night trip to Taco Bell where they educated me on the intricate complexity of the late night menu; it was a necessary lesson as soon I will have a teenager of my own.

Why would a couple of teen girls want to hang with an almost 40 year old? Food helped, I’m sure, but we also attend the same church. I have introduced myself to these girls, asked them about their lives and received countless hugs from them. In short, we value each other enough to pursue a relationship. We may not be of the same generation, but we share a common faith community. We can share how God is moving in each others’ lives.

Kati and Molli gave me a lot of good instruction that night on how to be a better parent when my kids get their age. They reminded me of thoughts, feelings and fears in that stage of life. They loved me like a sister and encouraged me; I hope they feel the same.  I am trusting that God honored our love for one another and am believing the best.

Kids Community just started a recruiting drive that presses families to open their circle by encouraging multi-generational friendships. Families who recruit five multi-generational friends to work with their kids once a quarter can win a free family dinner and a subscription to Thriving Family magazine.  The drive is about valuing each other and pursuing Godly relationships across generations.

The trick to not forgetting is to act intentionally. It is important to model in the Christian community. Inclusion and inviting can be risky. Rejection is a fear that satan uses. Are we intentionally looking for, praying for and pursuing multi-generational relationships as a leading from the Holy Spirit?

The Amplified Bible quotes 1 Peter 4:9 this way: “Practice hospitality to one another – be hospitable, be a lover of strangers, with brotherly affection for the unknown quests, the foreigners, the poor and all others who come your way who are of Christ’s body”

Parenting Tip: Make a prayer chart with the following divisions: middle schooler, high schooler, college student, young professional, new married, new parents, single professional 30-50, empty nester, 50-70 year old, and  elderly friend. As a family look for one name in your neighborhood, work, school or church to fit into each area. Pray for these people together as a family and encourage one another brainstorm ways to pursue relationships with them this year. Ideas could be cards, phone calls, dinner invite, service project, event invite, hug, sit next to them at church.

Family Service Project: Make cards and take them to the local nursing home. Did you know that extended care facilities offer an easily assessable mission field in every city. Think of it as the crossroads of real life and the need for comfort.  It also is a great place to practice manners with young children and teens – handshake, saying their name, looking into someone’s eyes, responding appropriately, and practicing thank you.

Titus 2 living

There is a certain young woman who is somewhat of a celebrity to many girls at Vista. They rush to see her, give hugs and say hi. Her reaction to them always reminds me of what Jesus would have looked like greeting the little children. She takes time to notice them and shows them they are loved. She lives her life following the Titus 2 principle: look for someone to mentor you then turn around to invest in someone younger.

Recently this young woman hosted a sleepover for some of the girls who adore her. The purpose was two-fold; she desired the girls to have fun, but there was more to it than that.

Her first objective was to turn their adoration of her into adoration for Jesus. When they looked at her, she wanted to point them to Him by inviting them into her life; this meant sharing her home, her time and her story. She took the time to listen to them, play games with them and study God’s word with them.

Secondly, she wanted to model to another young woman and three high school girls how to invest in the lives of others. She built into their lives and wanted to encourage them to turn around looking for younger girls to influence. Afterward, they were amazed at how their time, gifts and talents had so much impact. “Sisters in Christ” was the phrase being celebrated.

This was not a Vista event. It was not something I planned or initiated as the Kids Community Director. This young woman prayed about her influence and how she could turn it for Jesus with Vista girls. Lives and perspectives were changed by young women and girls living out Titus 2. I am hoping this example sparks more of us to pray and consider who is building into us and who we are building into. Wouldn’t it be great if more of these building moments took place in our homes, our church, our schools and neighborhoods?

Parenting Tip: We have asked two families in the church who did not have children to be “special friends” with our different children. They spend time together a few times a year. The idea is to put safe Christian adults in their lives that show Christ to them in a way we cannot as parents. Erin Bradshaw is Elisabeth’s special friend. Because of Erin’s building into Elisabeth’s life, Elisabeth now considers Erin’s daughter Kaitlyn to be her special friend. That’s the Titus 2 principle.