During my daily driving I had been praying for her, most specifically been praying that she would feel confident that evening amongst a new group of peers. Let’s face it being a teenager is just one of those times when most of us are still figuring out who we are and where we are headed. A couple of verses kept knocking around in my head during my prayers,

‘Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—’  John 1:12

‘The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.  Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.’ Romans 8:16-17

I knew what I needed to say to her and really, when I wasn’t face to face with her  – my confidence was mighty.  Fast forward to an hour and a half later when we were sitting on my bathroom floor; my daughter, her friend, and I and we were rushing through the make-up process because we were running low on time. My daughter’s nervousness was palpable.

Oh, did I forget to mention there was going to be a new boy who would be at this football game? There was a new boy (of course) and she had been confiding in me about her perceived deficits.  I felt prompted to tell her about the verses, but I was also eyeballing her friend and not wanting to embarrass my daughter. Finally, I had decided that it wouldn’t hurt either of them to hear what I needed to say.

“You are the daughter of a King and this is really, at the end of the day, just a high school boy.”

She looked at me dumbfounded, “What?  I don’t even know what you are saying to me right now?”

I saw the friend looking at me, like I had completely lost my mind.

“God is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords…” I implored in the verbal shorthand only she and I seem to share.

She started to giggle and said, “Oh!  I thought you were saying dad was royalty.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head.  “Um, if your Dad were a king I would totally be rocking a tiara right now and someone would be doing BOTH of our make-up.  Seriously, though I just want you to get your identity from the right place here and you are a daughter of the King of Kings.  I just don’t want you to forget that or get wrapped up in the stress of things that don’t matter.”

As I finished her make-up she was quiet and introspective as she was taking in what I had said.  I asked her if it made sense, if it would be helpful to her at all?  She told me that it did make sense and that she felt that it would be a helpful reminder throughout the night.

As a parent I just wanted to be sure that she felt the freedom of what that means.  That she felt and continues to feel the boost in her self-worth that it should give her.  We are not a commodity whose value is determined by how popular the school or the world tells us we are that day.  Our true value lies in the worth of our King.

Verses are a great way to battle self-esteem issues for ourselves and our children. I have used this for myself personally and with my children. Below I have listed some negative statements and some verses we have used to repudiate any negative thinking with regard to their self-worth:

I don’t like myself, I am not attractive, I am not good at anything

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  Psalm 139:14

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…”  Jeremiah 1:5

“He has made everything beautiful in its time…” Ecclesiastes 3:11

“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

I can never do this, it is too hard:

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  Isaiah 40:29-31

“…Everything is possible for him who believes.”  Mark 9:23

I don’t fit in, everyone is more popular than I am:

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  Romans 12:2

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice.   And the God of peace will be with you.”  Philippians 4:8-9

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”  Galatians 1:10

Bible App we like for itouch and ipad: “Bible Shaker is the quickest and easiest way to get Biblical passages and individual verses to help you in all areas of your life. Just choose a category and “shake” a scripture out, then click on the passage to read it. Need more? Shake it again to get another scripture.”

Resource we like:

199 Bible Verses for Teens

Daily Grace for Teens – Cook

Praying the Scriptures for your Teenager – Berndt

LifeCoach your Teens – Cross

But I wasn’t designed to know all of the answers. And I’m okay with that. Because I hold firm to a promise that my good Lord made me: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” (James 1:5, ESV)

Phew! Does anyone else read that and feel the semi truck being lifted off of their shoulders? God gives us complete permission to ask Him for wisdom, and without even an eye roll, He gives wisdom generously.

Parenting is one of those life journeys that kicks my tail more than it builds me up. And I’ve never found comfort that in today’s culture – Christian and secular alike – we are offered a million and one resources and books about being the perfect parent.

At the end of the day, there’s only one book that delivers absolute Truth, and it’s the only one not authored by a sin-filled man. And it’s the only one that speaks to my heart in a way that keeps my blood flowing and my heart beating.

I don’t have all the answers. But thanks be to God that I know someone who does. He lives in me, and when I call on Him for wisdom – which is more often than my prideful got-it-all-together flesh would like to admit – He is there with discernment or a prompting or a nudge.

It is the absolute best piece of advice that I can give any parent – from the one who has yet to meet their unborn baby to the one whose children are now producing children.

Read your Bible. All the time.

No, it won’t tell you how many hours between feedings or whether or not to homeschool. And don’t expect to find a hidden formula for your teenage daughter’s curfew.

But I am confident that His living and breathing Word will guide you as you wander through the wilderness of your greatest and most challenging blessing – the gift of parenthood. Turn to Him for wisdom; He promises to give generously when you do.

Resources we on the Vista Parenting Team like if you are just getting started with applying the Bible to life or parenting situations:

The Bible Promise Book

Wise Words for Moms

Printable Resources for Family Goal Setting: family_goal_setting_chart, daily-routine-printable, Goal setting worksheets

I have been doing a lot of reading this summer on the Shema. Jewish families pray the Shema twice a day to remind them of their faith. We teach these verses from Deuteronomy 6: 4-9 as a great reminder of biblical priorities and principles in the homes of Vista families; you will see it contained in all of our parent equipping materials.

Here is what Fr. Callistus Isara has to say about the importance of these verses in the Christian home:

“Undoubtedly, there is a great challenge today for parents and guardians to transmit the faith, Christian values and morals, to their children…Oftentimes, parents abdicate their responsibility to transmit the faith and Christian values to their children because they are busy pursuing wealth and other material things… One of the ways parents can transmit religious education and values to their children is to begin by taking an inventory of their own religious and moral values.”

Parents should ask themselves: What are my priorities? What do I value most in life? How is my faith integrated with my way of life? How seriously do I practice my faith?

The answers to the above questions will help parents to work on themselves to grow in the spiritual and moral life, and then transmit them to their children first, by their way of life and then, by instruction. For example, the best way to teach our children the importance of prayer is for them to see us pray regularly. Christ’s disciples watched him pray over a period of time before they asked him to teach them how to pray. Jesus replied to their request by teaching them the “Our Father…” (Luke 11:1-4).  Furthermore, parents and guardians must make their home a conducive place for transmitting the faith to their children through a regular and sustained family prayer pattern, open discussion of moral issues, acquainting their children with the Bible so that they can have love for sacred scripture, teaching children the value of sacrifice and service of others, teaching them in kindness and generosity, teaching them in giving and not only in receiving, and reaching out to the poor and the less privileged in society, etc.

The Jewish people took very seriously the command to teach the shema prayer to their children. Hence they were largely successful in imparting the Jewish faith from generation to generation. In order to sustain the Christian faith in the family, we must courageously strive to practice the faith with utmost commitment and, in turn, hand it on to our children and our children’s children… If adults are not fervent in the practice of their faith, it becomes terribly difficult for them to pass the faith to their children since no one gives what one does not have. Just as the Jewish people took the shema injunction seriously, we must likewise take the practice of our faith seriously. May God give us the grace and the courage to truly practice our faith.”

We use the example of the Shema to refocus our family on goals involving every area of our lives. We talk about spiritual, mental, emotional, social and physical goals for each member and line up our priorities around those goals. This allows us to make sure our family schedule is not skewed to one part of our life but equal in all areas. Hopefully, if done well and if we persevere in our goals, this intentionality allows us all to grow in each area and provides unity within our home.

Websites we like: Families with a purpose, and Simple Kids

Practical Advice from Miriam Caldwell (Member of the LDS church: I agree with her approach but do not advocate for her theology)

The changes that we make do not always need to be big ones, but it is important to continue to make changes for the better. You can talk about some areas that you think the family members should each make individual goals in. Some possible areas include spiritual goals, physical goals, relationship goals, and education goals. If you have small children you may just want to choose two categories with one goal each. As your children grow older you may have them set more goals. You can then record each child’s goals and later print them up to hang in their room as a reminder. To encourage your children in achieving these goals you should discuss the steps that each one needs to take in order to achieve the goal. You may want to create a checklist for the child to mark off as he finishes each step towards his goal. You can post the charts in his bedroom or in the kitchen, so that you can encourage everyone as a family. You may want to set some family goals as well. These could include things such as family home evening or scripture study. You could also set goals to spend more time together exercising as a family or spending an extra night a week or a month together. You can set a goal to eat dinner together a few times a week. The goals can really be tailored to your family’s needs. Once you have determined your family goals (one or two is usually best) then you can create a chart for each step in the goal. You should celebrate as a family each time you reach a milestone.

“Though there is no adequate way to compare God, our heavenly Father, to our earthly dads, there is biblical evidence that God as Father signifies a close relationship of security, warmth, grace, and attachment. Biblical scholars, in their transliteration of “abba,” find significance in looking at the intimate relationship between God and His Son, Jesus. This model helps us understood not only who God is, but also who men were created to be as earthly fathers”

“Research had identified several key factors related to the importance of father-child relationships in God image development:

• Fathers who want their children to see God as nurturing should identify way to express nurture and tenderness in their relationship with their child.
• Children who perceive their parents as punishing and judging-with low level of nurture-tend to maintain an image of God as punishing and judging
• Fathers who don’t want to be seen as hostile, indifferent, or rejecting are less likely to see God as present and accepting
• Communicating warmth in relationship with your child in highly related to your child understanding God as a stable presence, an accpeting diety, and a challenging higher power
• Demonstrating care in the father-teen relationship is a rich predictor of certain characteristics in an adolescent’s God image.

Relational experiences that occur during the developmental stages of of childhood and adolescence leave indelible marks in our stories. What do you remember about your relationship with your own father? Evaluating how you related to your own father will help you develop compassion, understanding, and empathy for the way your teen relates with you. It’s not too late to influence the development of your teen’s God image.”

Practicals:

1. Grace: Tell your child that they are enough for you even with all their flaws.
2. Attachment: Practice one-on-one time and undivided attention with your child
3. Intimacy: Discuss your child’s interests to understand their perceptions and desires.
4. Forgiveness: Acknowledge when you hurt your child and ask forgiveness
5. Warmth and Care: Make eye contact and smile at your child everyday

Discussion starters:

1. Read 1 Chronicles 17:11-14. What did it mean to the ancient Israelites to see God as their Father? Why is it important for you to know Him as Father?
2. Read Galatians 4:4-7. Why do you think Paul used the image of adoption to describe our relationship with God? In what was has God adopted us?
3. Think about your friends and other peers. How do you think their fathers have influenced their understanding of God-for good or bad?
4. How do you think your understanding of God has been shaped by what you see in my life? What are some areas where you see God in me? What are some areas of my life that seem to contradict what you know about God?

I love stumbling upon blogs that make me step back and think about the big picture of my life. I Take Joy by Sally Clarkson is one of those blogs. Recently I read her post, Parenting: It all starts with your view of God, and I absolutely love what she wrote.

Two things in particular really stuck with me:

1) Clarkson emphasizes the importance of spending time with God – in His Word – as a foundational element to who we are as parents. She writes, And so, when it comes to child training, if people have not had the opportunity to think Biblically or to study the word of God, and about what God is like, they will look to others for “truth.”
This is an area where I am learning. The Holy Spirit has been teaching me WHY quiet time is important – how it will better my life. It’s not simply a discipline for discipline’s sake. No. Not at all. It’s truly a gift to spend time with God (and I’d argue that it’s a necessity), and by better understanding Him and His Word, I will become a mother who shows Jesus to my children, as opposed to a mother who follows the trends of my surrounding society.

2) I have never been a rule or formula follower when it comes to parenting (or much else in my life). I’ve never read a single parenting book in its entirety, and of the resources I have read or skimmed, there’s always an element here and there that doesn’t jive with me. I love that Clarkson reminds us that as Christians we are filled with the Holy Spirit, and through Him we will have the tools and resources that we need to be Godly parents. Are books helpful? Absolutely! But are they to be followed to a t? Unless it’s the Bible, I think we have to be very careful what we follow religiously.

Clarkson expands on this idea, saying, In the Christian life, even in parenting, God gave us a brain to think, a conscience to nudge our hearts, the Holy Spirit who lives inside of us to guide us. All He asks is that we live by faith in him dependence on Him. And yes, I think through this process, God has given a mom intuition and a mom’s instinct for what is best for her child. God always loves to lead us and work through us by faith in relationship to Him and what He is impressing us to do, within the beautiful design of our femininity and womanhood. That is why it is crucial that we are spending time in His presence and seeking to build a foundation of conviction on scripture and knowledge of God.

I so appreciate Clarkson because she reminded me that through seeking God, I will have all the tools that I need to parent my children. It’s not about a specific method or researched system, it’s about pursuing God in every aspect of my life. As Clarkson puts it, My own parenting of my four very different children was a process of seeking wisdom, studying scripture, listening to God, following other wise people. It was a process of relationship and love with Him, not following the formulas that it seemed most of my peers were following. We went against the grain of the culture we were surrounded by, and yet found the wonderful presence of God in our home as we sought Him.

I pray that as I lean into God, I find His wonderful Presence alive in my home, filling my children with the love that only God can show them. And ultimately filling me with what I need, minute by minute, to guide, protect, encourage and parent my two very different yet equally precious children.

Authenticity in the home is not so much authoritarian as it is being part of a team. A team needs to share, sacrifice and have knowledge to help one another.  When thinking about privacy for our home, it seems like respect is the underlying value. Character building is the goal of parenting. Kids live in our home and make mistakes. If a home runs on respect for one another, then we can engage in conflict resolution to encourage character. My mom and dad believed that children lived at home in order to coach them through life’s success and failure. They were inquisitive and available but not authoritarian. I guess I am landing on privacy not being so much of an issue if we are committed to letting our kids succeed and fail in our presence. Do they trust us enough for that? Are we trustworthy enough for that?

What are your children’s expectation of privacy in your home? What have you taught them about respecting your privacy?  Have you talked about living authentic, confessing lives before one another in order to help each other grow? Do you hide things from one another in secret and call it privacy?

It seems that the parents I polled who have the least amount of conflict communicated well laid out exceptions before any conflict took  place happened: no locked doors, ask before taking, respect personal space but don’t abuse it, responsibility means not having things to hide, all watch what everyone puts in their eyes and ears. Do your kids respect the rules of the house as an important member in it? I wonder what would happen in our homes if we read together one verse on honor from the Bible every night for a week. I wonder what would happen if we asked God questions about respect and listened for His answers.

Parenting Tip: How often do the demands of someone mess up what you are doing at the moment. We do not like being told to do something at a moment’s notice. Give your kids enough respect to prep them for action. “I will ask you to set the table in 10 min.” Teach your kids how to give a rational appeal to your demands on them. “Yes Dad, I will stop playing the game but can I have 10 min to finish this level?’ “Yes Mom, I will turn off my phone but can I have 2 min to finish this text?’ If they are modeled this respect then they are more apt to show it. “Yes, I will clean your black shirt but I am going to finish this blog entry first”

Book we like: Families were Grace is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen

Age of Opportunity by Paul David Tripp

Grace-based Parenting by Tim Kimmel

Recently I sat in on the Parent Equipping class for 3 year olds. My children are currently 7 and 10; I was there simply to support my friend as she led the class. The topic of the class was  How to move beyond behavior modification to Godly Discipline. As the class began I realized I had become a little neglectful in the type of discipline I give my children. I was in need of a refresher in using God’s word and being consistent with discipline.

During the class the concept of The Circle of Blessing from the book Shepherding a Child’s Heart was shared. This concept comes from   Ephesians 6:1-3 (NIV):

Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother –which is the first commandment—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy a long life on the earth.

The Circle of Blessing is the idea that while obeying and honoring one’s parents, the child remains in the circle. The circle represents a place of safety and protection. However, if one steps out of the circle of blessing and chooses to disobey, the child is no longer in the safety of the circle.

This concept is not new for me. I have attended a couple Shepherding a Child’s Heart seminars, have read the book several times, and the first Bible verse my kids memorized was Ephesians 6:1. I realized during this class that as my children have gotten older I have stepped away from using this concept.  Discipline with my older son (age 10) has started taking on a different look; however, my younger son (age 7) can be a handful and I decided to reintroduce the Circle of Blessing into our family discipline strategy.

We talked about the Circle of Blessing as a family at dinner; I explained what it meant and even drew a picture, but my 7 year old just didn’t get it. So, I used the example of an umbrella. I asked him, “Why do we use an umbrella?” He replied with an eye roll, “So we don’t get wet in the rain.”  Then I asked, “What happens if we step out from under the umbrella?” He replied with another eye roll, “We get wet.” I then explained to him that the Circle of Blessing is like the umbrella: as long as we are under the umbrella (or inside the circle) we stay protected. The umbrella protects us from the rain while the Circle of Blessing protects us from the dangers of disobeying. Finally, he got it.

We have gotten back into the practice of reminding our children of the Circle of Blessing. I will often ask them this question: “Where do you want to be standing–in the rain or under God’s umbrella?” Discipline keeps our children safe and teaches them life lessons. The Circle of Blessing and living under God’s umbrella can help us teach our children the importance of obeying.

Parenting Resources:   Shepherding a Child’s Heart, by Tedd Tripp  Wise Words for Moms, by Ginger Plowman

Parenting Tip: With the coming of spring, use Crissy’s illustration as a family object lesson. Get a little wet together to bring home the idea as choosing to be under God’s umbrella.

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.  ”If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ lend to ’sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Luke 6:27-36

We read these verses and discussed what Jesus was telling us to do; Michael could not understand why we should be nice to someone who has been mean to us. Tried as I might’ I could not explain well enough for him to understand. We ended the devotion with a prayer asking God to help us learn to love those who are mean. I felt like I had failed as a mom to teach the lesson of these verses to my son.

I continued to pray that God would reveal the meaning of these words to Michael. This morning on our way to school God did just that. Michael shared with me about a friend (we will call him Joe) in his class who has been lying (ie. My dad owns a race car, my grandma has a million dollars—the typical exaggerated lies children tell).  Michael shared that he gets angry when Joe lies to him, and that some of the other boys will not play with Joe anymore. He also shared that he felt bad that no one wanted to be Joe’s friend. I reminded Michael of the verses in Luke 6 and asked him if he thought God might be telling him to love Joe in spite of his lying.

As I watched Michael think this over I could see the understanding show on his face. Finally, he said with a big smile, “I can love him by being his friend even though I don’t like his lying!” He got it! We continued to talk about how we can pray for Joe and show Jesus’ love to him by being his friend. We said a quick prayer for Joe as we pulled up to the school, and Michael was ready to be Joe’s friend and pray for him all day long.

Even though Michael did not understand the meaning of these verses right away, I had not failed to relay the lesson. God gave Michael a greater understanding through this situation with his friend Joe and made the lesson real. I realized that the simple act of reading these verses with my children plants the lessons in their hearts even if I do not see the fruit right away; God is faithful and His word does not return void. (Isaiah 55:11)

Over the last few years, my husband and I have experienced the Lord transforming us by His word. Around the 7th year of marriage, we hit an all-time low, and neither of us could see how we were going to recover from such a dark place. Through a lot of hard work, prayer and encouragement of others, we slowly started walking out of the darkness. One thing we both began to do was turn to God and take Him at His word, despite how we were feeling and thinking.

As we began to replace our fears, anxieties, frustrations, lies etc. with the word of God, we began seeing our lives and marriage transform. We watched hope, peace, comfort, confidence, power and victory rise up in our hearts; we continue to press on. As a wife and mother, I’m thankful that we have the word of God to lean on to shape our family. I truly don’t know where we would be without the hope God brings through His Spirit and written word.

Lately, we have been praying Psalm 91 as a family as we combat the fears all around us. I encourage you to place your family’s name in this Psalm and begin praying/speaking this truth over your family daily. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind!

Psalm 91:

_________ who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. _______will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely He will save _____ from the snare and from pestilence. He will cover _____ with His feathers, and under His wings will _____ find refuge; His faithfulness will be _____ shield and rampart. _____ will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. 1000 may fall by _____ side, 10,000 at ______ right hand, but it will not come near _______…If ____ makes the Most High their dwelling – even the Lord, who is _____ refuge then no harm will befall ______, no disaster will come near. For He will command His angels concerning ______ to guard in all ways; they will lift _____ up in their hands, so that _____ will not strike a foot against a stone…”Because ____ love me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue _____; I will protect _____ for the acknowledgment of my name. _____ will call upon me, and I will answer _____; I will be with ______ in trouble, I will deliver _____ with honor. With long life will I satisfy ______ and show _____my salvation.

I remember being so excited as the day of my first son’s arrival came. The anticipation of having a little bundle to love and care for was almost overwhelming. However, I know now, that I was not completely prepared for all that motherhood entailed.

Within the first week of being home with my new baby, I quickly felt like I had no idea what I was doing.  During the late night feedings, a million diaper changes, and sleep deprivation I found myself wondering why the hospital neglected to give me the owner’s manual for this child. This is a question that I still find myself asking at times. (My boys are now 10 and 7.) Every time I think I have my boys figured out and I am getting this parenting thing down…we enter a new stage.

I have spent a lot of time reading parenting books in order to understand the job that I hold as a parent. I still have not found any book that offers a complete overview. However, in my search I have come to the realization that God has given me all the insight I need through His word. Although, the Bible does not tell me what to do if my little one throws a fit in the grocery store, or how many minutes a time out should be, the bible does give me Godly wisdom, encouragement, and the peace I need in those situations. I have learned to lean on this verse from James 1:5 (NIV)

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God,

who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

I have prayed more times than I can remember (Honestly, this is a daily prayer for me) for God to give me wisdom regarding parenting. I will continue to read parenting books, and gain insight from others more experienced than myself. However, I know that I will not find the wisdom I need in any manual…I will find it in God’s word!