Monkey See, Monkey Do – Tim Stauffer

So I was driving down the highway with my 3 kids the other day and was startled by the direction of our conversation. I asked my kids what they thought I would teach them if I could only teach them one thing in life. Immediately they responded that I would teach them to follow Jesus—they were right. But happened next was unexpected to me.

I proceeded to ask them how they thought I would go about teaching them and how they would learn to follow Christ. Immediately one of them said— we will watch you because you will show us how. Wow, what a batch of mixed emotion that produced for me. I was so proud of them. I was so humbled by the privilege of parenthood. And I was kind of terrified. My children are closely watching me and taking their cues about how to do life from what I model for them.  You know, your kids are the same way. By God’s design, children learn best from what they see modeled.

Jesus closely watched and emulated His Father too. In John 5:19 we read, “Jesus gave them this answer: “Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.”  I believe the author of Proverbs 22:6 was talking about modeling when he wrote “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” The best training tool a parent has for their children is a life lived with character, consistency, and authenticity.

Modeling well begins with a deep desire for Christ to be formed in you. Join with me in this prayer – “Lord, give me the character I need to be an effective Christ-like parent.”

Parenting Resources we like: Strong Fathers – Strong Daughters by Dr. Meg Meek  and Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas

Spiritual Formation resources: Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard.

Tim Stauffer’s Bio

Tim & LaRonda Stauffer and their 3 children have been attending Vista since early 2010.  In addition to leading a Life Group with his wife, Tim also serves as a Life Group coach and is part of Vista’s teaching team. Tim is a professional counselor in private practice specializing in marriage counseling, sexual addictions, and the diagnosis and treatment of mental and emotional under supervision. To learn more about Tim you can visit his website at www.timstauffercounseling.com

Regrouping with the Shema – Cindy Eisel

It’s that time again: regardless of what your fall contains, your family dynamic changes. Tim and I have figured out over the years that a change of season is a good opportunity for our family to regroup and review our priorities. Sunday night we will sit down as a family, talk about, and write out goals together. This is getting much more interesting as the kids get older and can set their own goals without much guidance. It used to be when they were little that we could just tell them what their goals would be. We also like to pick a family verse for the year that we memorize together.

Printable Resources for Family Goal Setting: family_goal_setting_chart, daily-routine-printable, Goal setting worksheets

I have been doing a lot of reading this summer on the Shema. Jewish families pray the Shema twice a day to remind them of their faith. We teach these verses from Deuteronomy 6: 4-9 as a great reminder of biblical priorities and principles in the homes of Vista families; you will see it contained in all of our parent equipping materials.

Here is what Fr. Callistus Isara has to say about the importance of these verses in the Christian home:

“Undoubtedly, there is a great challenge today for parents and guardians to transmit the faith, Christian values and morals, to their children…Oftentimes, parents abdicate their responsibility to transmit the faith and Christian values to their children because they are busy pursuing wealth and other material things… One of the ways parents can transmit religious education and values to their children is to begin by taking an inventory of their own religious and moral values.”

Parents should ask themselves: What are my priorities? What do I value most in life? How is my faith integrated with my way of life? How seriously do I practice my faith?

The answers to the above questions will help parents to work on themselves to grow in the spiritual and moral life, and then transmit them to their children first, by their way of life and then, by instruction. For example, the best way to teach our children the importance of prayer is for them to see us pray regularly. Christ’s disciples watched him pray over a period of time before they asked him to teach them how to pray. Jesus replied to their request by teaching them the “Our Father…” (Luke 11:1-4).  Furthermore, parents and guardians must make their home a conducive place for transmitting the faith to their children through a regular and sustained family prayer pattern, open discussion of moral issues, acquainting their children with the Bible so that they can have love for sacred scripture, teaching children the value of sacrifice and service of others, teaching them in kindness and generosity, teaching them in giving and not only in receiving, and reaching out to the poor and the less privileged in society, etc.

The Jewish people took very seriously the command to teach the shema prayer to their children. Hence they were largely successful in imparting the Jewish faith from generation to generation. In order to sustain the Christian faith in the family, we must courageously strive to practice the faith with utmost commitment and, in turn, hand it on to our children and our children’s children… If adults are not fervent in the practice of their faith, it becomes terribly difficult for them to pass the faith to their children since no one gives what one does not have. Just as the Jewish people took the shema injunction seriously, we must likewise take the practice of our faith seriously. May God give us the grace and the courage to truly practice our faith.”

We use the example of the Shema to refocus our family on goals involving every area of our lives. We talk about spiritual, mental, emotional, social and physical goals for each member and line up our priorities around those goals. This allows us to make sure our family schedule is not skewed to one part of our life but equal in all areas. Hopefully, if done well and if we persevere in our goals, this intentionality allows us all to grow in each area and provides unity within our home.

Websites we like: Families with a purpose, and Simple Kids

Practical Advice from Miriam Caldwell (Member of the LDS church: I agree with her approach but do not advocate for her theology)

The changes that we make do not always need to be big ones, but it is important to continue to make changes for the better. You can talk about some areas that you think the family members should each make individual goals in. Some possible areas include spiritual goals, physical goals, relationship goals, and education goals. If you have small children you may just want to choose two categories with one goal each. As your children grow older you may have them set more goals. You can then record each child’s goals and later print them up to hang in their room as a reminder. To encourage your children in achieving these goals you should discuss the steps that each one needs to take in order to achieve the goal. You may want to create a checklist for the child to mark off as he finishes each step towards his goal. You can post the charts in his bedroom or in the kitchen, so that you can encourage everyone as a family. You may want to set some family goals as well. These could include things such as family home evening or scripture study. You could also set goals to spend more time together exercising as a family or spending an extra night a week or a month together. You can set a goal to eat dinner together a few times a week. The goals can really be tailored to your family’s needs. Once you have determined your family goals (one or two is usually best) then you can create a chart for each step in the goal. You should celebrate as a family each time you reach a milestone.

bullying – a blog copied from Trish Berg

When Justin was 4 years old, we had a play date with extended family.  At this play date were various age kids that knew each other. Justin was the outsider, and my heart broke as I watch him try to play with them. They were running from him, hiding together while making up names for him. He did not realize their intent and thought the running and hiding was a game. Few things are harder than seeing your child rejected by their peers. It is important we talk to our kids about bullying others and being a victim of bullying.

I was a bully. As the youngest of 5 kids, I rarely back down from confrontation. I know I owe many apologies to classmates over the years for verbal attacks. I don’t remember ever getting called out on it at school or in organizations for it.  My mother would have been devastated, as she felt I was the sweetest person in the world. Schools and organizations now have programs to fight bullying. It is a great way to be involved at your school or organization in order to get to know other parents and kids. Christians need to shine the light in this area in public and at home. Bullying is abuse and it needs to be addressed –especially in the Christian home.

Conflict management based on biblical principles needs to be taught, practiced and modeled to children everyday at home. Trish Berg is a writer and speaker who equips and encourages parents in this area. I have included a link to her blog here as it has a great practical steps approach called S.T.O.P. to teach and practice with kids. It is filled with applicable biblical references to move families toward conflict management techniques to protect themselves and help others in the community.

How to Live Out Your Faith While Protecting Your Children from Bullies – By Trish Berg

Practical Parenting Tip: We taught our children to say “so” when someone taunts them. Saying “so” deflates the abusive language of a bully.

Website we like: Peacemaker.net

broken record

Tim and I have turned into broken records. Can I even use that metaphor anymore? We have become those parents who say the same things over and over again but expect different results. We have officially started to exhibit insane behavior, so it is time to stop the madness!

Our children have responsibilities every morning and night; these expectations have not changed, and we have trained them on how we desire to have these things done. Here is a checklist we use to stop the cycle of bad or chaotic behavior: discuss expectations, train how to do the tasks, reinforce with praise and disciple with consequences, post expectations visually for all to see.

Good news is that proactive parenting helps. Bad news is these are people in training. They will not succeed everyday. Do adults succeed in fulfilling all of their obligations everyday? Let’s face it. Sometimes we can be the most demanding bosses of our children: come when called every time, drop what you are doing to listen and obey, put the family’s needs over your own, follow all the rules with a happy heart, be joyful and respectful in correction or criticism, remember all the time what the rules are, give your best ability at all times. These are goals to aspire to but seldom possible to attain.

Systems can help families succeed in organizing the chaos of a family. They can lead to fair and impartial treatment of several different personalities living together. They are not fool-proof. Our hearts are foolish and we act like fools sometimes.  A system needs to be grounded in grace in order to train kids. We don’t reach goals everyday. Some days we can’t because of external circumstances, and others days we sabotage our own efforts. Hunger, emotion, hormones, lack of sleep and daily stress wear on our ability to measure up to the goal. To quote a pirate movie regarding processes or regulations, make them “more of what you would call guidelines than actual rules.” Processes are helpful as long as we do not lose sight of the needs of our family by becoming enslaved in them. Stopping the madness of a busy house does not have to involve abuse through guilt and shame.

Here are some organization systems that work for families of differing ages

Magnet board: Children move picture magnets from sun side to moon side. Example: picture of toothbrush gets moved to sun when it was done in the morning and back to moon when done at night. One magnet for all expectations: pick up toys, pray, make bed, etc.

Before you leave checklist: List of things to do or have before you leave room or house. We have this on the back door so I do not have to yell it through the house.

Before you leave the car checklist: This can be posted on the door or dashboard so things are not left in the car that are needed elsewhere.

Computer, Phone or I-touch Checklist: Kids can input their lists and store them on their devices. There are even apps that help with this and alarms to remind them in the data section of their devices.

Books we like: Families where Grace is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen

Websites with ideas we like: Responsibility chart ideas for kids that read, responsibility/behavior/reward chart on magnet dry erase, routine charts for preschoolers, morning routine ideas for working parents, morning routine chart video

My ears need a rest!

It is fascinating to watch the progression of  speech in a home with children. My grandparents thought is was funny to see my parents go through this, and my parents think its funny to see Tim and I go through it. The journey from “Say ‘dog’, Johnny, say ‘dog’. You can do it honey!” to “My child will not stop talking!” is relatively short in parenting years. I have learned a lot over the years about the importance of words, the value of silence, and selfishness in conversation. I could have used this information as a child – it might have saved me some relationships or at least some nasty comments on my report card. Here are some phrases we use to train our children on how to value how and why we use words wisely:

• “Please respond to your brother” – shows speaker as valued
• “Mommy’s ears a a little tired right now” – takes ownership for choosing to stop conversation and shows that stopping conversation can be healthy and helpful
• “I am choosing not to or am not able to connect with you right now” – takes ownership and shows value in conversation as a connection between people not just words
• “You are interrupting. Please wait until it is your turn to speak” – shows value of the words of others
• “There is nothing good or helpful coming out of your mouth right now” – show values in building up and encouraging others
• “You may sing that song or tell that story to me at another time” – shows value for time and place of words
• “Please sing or say those words to yourself” – show value of silence

It may seem rather odd to talk about being self-controlled in our speech on a blog site; the blog world could use some self-control. Training our children to value the words they speak and the words spoken by others appears culturally unimportant in the age of twitter, texting and blogging. This is, then, all the more reason to be diligent in following what God says about our mouths, our words and our purpose of speaking.

Encourage one another and build each other up – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you oh Lord my rock and my Redeemer -  Psalm 19:14

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry – James 1:19

Don’t let any foolish talk come out of your mouth, only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs so that it may benefit those who listen – Ephesian 4:29

The last one is the verse we taught our children when they were old enough to form sentences. It has helped us all -  reminded us that ears deserve a rest. Hopefully it will save us from nasty comments on report cards also.

Parenting Tip: When Tim or I are speaking with someone, instead of interrupting with words, our children will place their hand on our leg to get our attention when they need to speak to us; it shows them their comments  are valued while teaching them how to wait their turn.

Resource: Books we like that help train ourselves and our families with truths from scripture: Wise Words for Moms and Don’t Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman

Freeze

I promised someone that the first parenting blog would explain why the Eisel children stop everything at the sound of “Freeze.” No, they are not convicted criminals nor are Tim and I former police officers; “Freeze” as a command came from something called behavior training.

Tim and I had great parenting mentors. We have no family in Columbus so it was important to get involved with a local family worthy to emulate. We started spending time with, evaluating, and discussing families who we knew. Basically we stalked families: in the park, at the store, at church, in their homes (when invited). Mike and Lynn Radigan made the cut as people who ran their home with discipline, grace and godly encouragement. Radigan’s have no small task – they have six kids.

Behavior training was one of the most practical things we learned from the Radigan family. They encouraged us to train our children in various situations before so that we not set them up for failure. Invest some time in practice and you will reap rewards long after. Most people train for work, sports and at school. How can we expect our kids to behave if we never show or have them practice how to behave? Here is an example.

• Practice Shopping: Go to the store. Have fun showing and telling kids what is correct and incorrect behavior. Leave if they are misbehaving to practice discipline and give positive reinforcement for learning well. Once they can behave in practice – then shop with them. Every time you go, review with them your expectations verbally before hand.
• Never, if possible, take a kids who is tired or hungry into a store – you deserve the fit that is thrown because you have set them up for failure. The child is more important than the shoes – a life truth that is hard for me to remember sometimes in my selfish desires!

This brings us back to my promise. “Freeze” is a game we started to help our kids know how to stay safe in any situation.  We practiced many hours at home in the back yard as a running game and in the house as a wiggle game. Now when our kids hear “freeze” – they stop; it is trained into them. (Unless they are tired or hungry – and then we deserve the disobedience we get!)

“For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for bothe the present life and the life to come” I Timothy 4:8