Importance of boundaries: Daryl and Leslie Mayfield

Daryl and Leslie Mayfield were one of the first people from Dublin I met. Their friendship and guidance has blessed Tim and I over the last three years. They are authentic, teachable servants living at the crossroads of Jesus and real life. Daryl sent me this teaching by Michael Brooks from South Shores Church. It is a great follow-up to the Godly Obedience class we had on January 10th.

When my grandson Conner was young, he came to stay with us for several days while his parents were on vacation. My wife told me that bedtime was going to be a little challenging because Conner did not have a schedule — he was allowed to stay up as long as he wanted and was put to bed only after he fell asleep. Obviously, that wasn’t going to work for us.

On the first evening when 8:30 pm rolled around, we got Amanda (our youngest daughter) and Conner ready for bed — pajamas on and teeth brushed. Then I read them a story. “Okay, lights out, sleep well, see you in the morning,” I said as I kissed each one good night. Conner said: “But Grandpa I’m not ready to go to sleep.” I said: “Remember what I told you? The rules at Grandma and Grandpa’s house are a little different than Mommy and Daddy’s. At our house kids go to bed at 8:30. See you in the morning.” Conner obediently nodded: “Okay Grandpa.”

By the time my son and daughter-in-law picked up Conner after their trip, they were shocked to see he was not only going to bed at 8:30, but also eating what we ate at mealtime. My son asked: “How did you get him to do it?” My answer: “I just told him what the rules were — we all eat what Grandma makes (this isn’t a restaurant), and bedtime is at 8:30. It wasn’t very difficult because he’s a really great kid. You guys have done a wonderful job with him — just make sure he knows his boundaries and parenting will be a lot more enjoyable.”

Let me ask you this question in the context of our passage today: Did Conner know he was breaking a rule at his own house if he didn’t go to bed at 8:30, or  if he ate only peanut butter sandwiches (no jelly)? Of course not; where there is no law, there can be no trespass. Conner didn’t know there were rules, so he couldn’t be held accountable for breaking any. He thought bedtime was when he felt tired and he should eat only what tasted good.

In our passage today, Paul explains this same concept applied to man before the Law was given:  ”…sin is not taken into account when there is no law.” In other words, you can’t be punished for breaking a rule that doesn’t exist.

Parenting Tip: Play a game that is familiar to your child but drop all the rules. The player can do whatever he or she wants, whenever they want and for whatever reason. Discuss how the lack of rules equals chaos and that the rules are designed to make the game more fun for everyone. It is the same when playing the game of life. God designed us, knows what is best for us, and gives us a rulebook – the Bible. It is in our best interest to obey and live by His plan. (Durbin Parenting with Scripture p. 155)

Changing perspective – The Hooper Family

Ali Hooper is our guest blogger this week. The Hooper family continues to be a huge blessing to Vista. I am often inspired by their hospitality and service to all in the name of Jesus. This entry from Ali exemplifies what it means to live at the intersection of Jesus and real life.

I recently gave birth to my second child, a daughter, and when I arrived home from the hospital, my son was sick with croup. Within a week, both my husband and I started experiencing cold symptoms, and within two weeks, my newborn daughter was congested. It wasn’t long before all four of us were miserably sick.

One night, as I wearily nursed my baby girl, I became overwhelmed with emotion, and the tears poured out. “Why, Lord, why? Why can’t we catch a break? I’m too sick and sore to meet my family’s needs (I was also recovering from a c-section), and my husband can hardly function as he suffers the flu. And my babies are miserably sick. Why us, Lord?”

I was exhausted, discouraged, and frustrated. But God was quick to respond. And, no, He didn’t say, “Okay, Ali, you survived my test and everything will be better in the morning.” Rather, He said, “Do everything without complaining.” (Philippians 2:14)

God commands us to refrain from complaining, and amidst my sniffles, tears, and sore abdomen, I knew He wanted me to change my perspective.

But He didn’t stop there; He wanted even more from me. As you might imagine, my first thought was, “Seriously, God? It’s not enough for me to shut my mouth and refrain from complaining?”

“No,” He said, “Be joyful always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances.” (I Thessalonians 5:16-18)

WHAT? Be joyful?! I’m miserable. And my son has a fever of 101 degrees. My daughter fights nursing because she can hardly breathe. Sure, I’ll pray, but what do I have to be thankful for?

And then it hit me. I have a FAMILY. I have a son and a daughter who are alive and well. I have a husband who is not deployed, deceased, or uninvolved. I have the strength to nurse my daughter, and I have the ability to care for my family even if I don’t “feel” like it. I have so much for which to thank God. I have plenty that brings me joy. And it is with that perspective that I was able to glorify God even when my tendency was to be discouraged and frustrated.

It is this perspective that God wants us to adopt in ALL things. As parents, this can be difficult, to say the least. We are quick to complain about our unruly toddler. We often forget to express joy when our teenager disappoints us. We fail to give thanks when our baby is up for the fifth time in one night.

Often when people ask me, “how are you doing?” I quickly respond, “I can’t complain.” Because, really, I can’t. But too often, I do. Sometimes I am quick with this response simply to remind myself that I C-A-N-N-O-T complain. Yes, we should have emotions – frustration, sadness, anger – but ultimately, we need to honor God amidst our sufferings.

Things did not automatically improve after that long night. In fact, we are still on the mend. But because of God’s Word, I am more likely to embrace my sniffling daughter rather than complain. I am more likely to cuddle with my snot-nosed toddler rather than be discouraged. And I am more likely to show my family God’s greatest commandment to all of us: Love.

You can read more about the Hooper family at Ali’s Blog: www.blessedtreehouse.com

Tying shoes

Our youngest, Aaron, had to learn how to tie his shoes for kindergarten; this become nessesary when the shoes with laces were cheaper than the velcro ones. Tim worked diligently with him for three days, and  Aaron mastered the task beautifully as God has gifted him with excellent fine motor skills. Through this process, we kept telling him this truth. Hearing our confidence in his fine motor skills allowed him to be diligent in practicing.

Speaking truth into a child’s life has lasting consequence. We acknowledge who God uniquely created them to be by affirming their gifts and talents; this affrimation helps them start to process the specialzed role that God has chosen them for. We believe that this is what God means by “the way a child will go” in Proverbs 22:6. Most schools have adopted this process in behavior modification practices. They say 3 affirmations about a child before attempting consructive criticism. How I wish I could remember to do that every day for my family!

We use 1 Thessalonias 5: 11 “encourage one another and build eachother up” to keep our thoughts on affirmation not critisism. Affrimation brings motivation. By focusing on the strengths of others, we push them closer to the person God has created them to be. This is true of tieing shoes, making the grade, finishing the project or  making wise choices. Much is to be gained by celebrating the unique giftings of the individuals in our midst.

Great book about questions kids ask about God: Does God Know How to Tie Shoes? by Nancy White Carlstrom

Resources we like: Words Kids Need to Hear by David Staal

Welcome to our blog!

It official! The inaugural blog post for Vista Parents is a bit daunting for me. I really don’t know if I am up to this task. The great thing is that I am not alone. I think that parenting can be a scary and lonely task. Anytime we share our fears, concerns and success in community, it gets a little less intimidating. God says in 1 Thessalonians  5:11 that we are to “encourage one another and build each other up”.  That is our goal with this blog.

Mark Holmen writes about this community encouragement in his book Take it Home.  Vista seeks to follow a pattern that “helps parents transform the spiritual formation of their children from the one-hour drop-off each Sunday to a daily walk with Jesus” (Holmen p. 23).  By meeting together for parent equipping classes, blogging real life struggles and solutions, and praying together we will follow God’s plan for the home as exemplified in Deuteronomy 6: 4-9

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.  These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Ultimately our comfort through the rigors of family life comes from the power of Jesus Christ to renew, restore and refresh every area of life. Our children belong to Him first and He loves them more than we can ever imagine. We can encourage one another because we are encouraged by the promise of John 1:12 “But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.” The power for any task comes from Him who loves us and calls us to complete the plans we were created for on this earth.  He knows our families and encourages us to help each other prepare for everything we will encounter on the journey.