40 days of wisdom – wise vs foolish

Parents:

As parents, it is hard to seek wisdom in our own lives let alone teach our children to do the same. Satan desires to paralyze us with guilt over our foolish life decisions. We do not feel we can speak into our children’s lives because of behavior that we exhibited in the past.  Parents who refuse to share  lessons learned from mistakes miss a prime discipleship opportunity with our children. Proverbs empowers Christians to embrace mistakes and learn from them. Use these verses as guidelines on how to speak to your children – 13:14, 16:21, 15:23, 18:20

“Good teaching come from good learning and Proverbs has more to say to students than teachers. Proverbs is concerned with the learning of wisdom. The book makes is clear that there are no good alternatives to learning wisdom. We are either becoming wise learners or refusing to learn and becoming foolish failures. Proverbs encourages us to make the right choice.”(from Life Application Bible)

High School (taken from the Life Application Bible)

Read through these verses and compare Wise Learners and Foolish Failure. Make a chart and then compare it to the following one. Discuss a foolish failure in your life and how you changed or may change to a Wise Learner. Ask your high schooler to pray for you this week to be wise in your home, job and relationships.

Wise Learner vs. Foolish Failure in Proverbs

10:8, 23:12, 25:12 = Quietly accepts instruction and criticism vs. Ignore instruction

12:1 = Love discipline vs. Hate correction

12:15, 21:11, 24:6 = Listen to advice vs. Think they need no advice

13:1 = Accept parents discipline vs. Mock parents

10:17 = Lead others to life vs. Lead others astray

13:18 = Receive honor vs. End in poverty and shame

15:31-32, 29:1 = Profit from constructive rebuke vs. Self-destruct by refusing rebuke

Middle School – taken from  youthspecialties Talk sheets: Psalms and Proverbs

Read the following with Proverbs 18:2. Everyone has an opinion. Some people state their ideas on all kinds of things that they know nothing about. Godly wisdom, however, teaches people to seek understanding, insight and knowledge. It teaches people to listen more than talk. It teaches people to respect others who are speaking or walk away from foolish people who talk inappropriately, too much, in anger, with name calling and those who talk about nothing. How much does your family value words? Do you treasure them or waste them. More verses on your words: Philippians 2:14, Proverbs 27:2, Proverbs 17:5, Titus 2:12, Ephesians 4:29, Proverbs 20:3

Discussion Questions:

1. Have you ever heard someone talk about something that they knew little about? What were your thoughts about the person while they were talking?

2. What would you do in this situation? Your friend always has a lot to say about everything. The problem is, he doesn’t really know a lot about most of the subjects or topics. Sometimes you’re embarrassed for him because he makes such a fool of himself. You want to be his friend, but want to help him too.

3. Have you ever had someone interrupt you when you speak? How does it make you feel when you get interrupted? Do you interrupt others often? Why do you do it? Do you care about what they are saying or only what you want to say?

Elementary and Preschool

Hard-boil one egg and let cool. Mark one egg with an “A” and the other with a “B”, or whatever marks you choose, so you can tell them apart. Show that the hard-boiled egg is easy to spin around like a top, but the uncooked egg will not spin as often as you try. You will compare the hard-boiled egg to someone with a hardened heart who will not receive instruction. Just as we can spin the hard-boiled egg, the devil can make someone with a hardened heart do things they know is wrong because they will not listen to teachers, parents or grandparents. They will not listen to God’s instructions in the Bible either.

What you will say:
I have here two eggs. Except for the fact that one is marked “A” and this other one is marked “B”, they look the same. However, they are very different. Let me show you. I need one volunteer. (Give the volunteer the hard-boiled egg.) What I would like you to do is spin this egg around like a top. Can you do that? That was easy, was it not? Now I need another volunteer to spin this other egg. (Give the second volunteer the uncooked egg.) What is wrong, are you having trouble spinning this egg? Some children may know already, in any case let the children experiment with the two eggs for a moment, and then ask to have them back. Explain that the difference between the two eggs is that one is hard inside, while the other is still liquid. We can spin the egg with the hard inside around.

The Bible says, “Blessed is the man who always fears the Lord, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble” (Proverbs 28:14). This hard-boiled egg is like someone with a hardened heart and will not accept correction. Satan can make this person do things they know are wrong. Someone who is obedient to the Lord, and does not let his or her heart become hardened can resist the power of the devil. Like this egg with the soft center that we cannot spin around, a Christian who is obedient to the Word of God, accepts instruction and who follows the Lord cannot be controlled by sin. We must make sure our hearts do not become hard, like a hard-boiled egg.

40 days of wisdom – Honesty

Parents: The following excerpt is from Growing a Soul by Bob Flanagan (p.19-20)

“Imagine your child is walking across the stage to recieve his or her hig school diploma. After she turns to the crowd and makes eye contact with you. Beyond the smiles and the obvious pride or relief, what qualities do you hope your child embodies? The following is a list of Christ-like qualities and attributes that Paul describes in Romans 12. Love without hypocrisy, abhor evil, cling to the good, be kindly and affectionate to one another, don’t be lazy and let others do all the work, try to carry your own burdens, be enthusiastic, serve the Lord, be joyful, have hope, be patient, pray regularly, concern yourselves with others needs, give to others, be friendly, don’t hold a grudge, bless your enemies, rejoice when others are happy, mourn with those who mourn, don’t plan revenge.”

 I know that it  is impossible for all people to embody this list. I don’t include it to be discouraging on our journey to Resurrection Sunday. I include it to help us realize that being Christ-like is impossible without contemplating the Cross and what Jesus did on it for us. How can can we even study wisdom in Proverbs if we will never measure up. The reason we strive to be Christlike is not to earn God’s favor but to show thankfulness and gratfulness for what He has done. The wisdom of Proverbs are good rules to live by that God included in the Bible because He created us and knows what is best for us. These wise words when followed generally keep us out of harms way in this world, but they are not accheivable on our own power. We need a savior.

High School: Proverbs 11:3 and Romans 12:3 (the following it taken from Kelli Mahoney)

Being honest is not always easy. As Christians we know how easy it is to fall into sin. Therefore, you need to work at being truthful, and it is work. The world does not give us easy situations, and sometimes we need to really work to keep our eyes on God in order to find the answers. Being honest can sometimes hurt, but knowing that you are following what God wants for you will make you more faithful in the end. Honesty is also not just how you speak to others, but also how you speak to yourself. While humility and modesty is a good thing, being too harsh on yourself is not being truthful. Also, thinking too highly of yourself is a sin. Thus, it is important for you to find a balance of knowing your blessings and shortcomings so you can continue to grow.

How honest are you? Most people think they are pretty honest people, but about 83 percent of Christian teens also believe that moral truth depends on a particular situation. Take this short quiz to see if you are as truthful as you think you are:

1. Your best friend asks you if she looks good in her new prom dress. You:

A. Tell her she looks good, even though the dress washes her out.
B. Advise her to get a tan. That will help with the coloring. However, don’t tell her why. It will just hurt her feelings.
C. Tell her to return the awful dress. She can look better, and you’ll help her.

2. A friend tells you he’s been using steroids, and he wants you to promise not to tell anyone. You:

A. Promise, then tell your parents.
B. Promise and don’t tell anyone.
C. Don’t promise. You know he’s in trouble and he really needs help.

3. You get out of the store and realize the cashier gave you an extra $5 in change. You:

A. Go home. Hooray! An extra $5. It’s the cashier’s fault, after all.
B. Slip the $5 back on the counter by the cashier.
C. Give the money back to the cashier so she can put it back into the till.

4. When the teacher left the classroom someone wrote a nasty work on the board. The teacher asks you after class if you know who did it. You:

A. Say you weren’t paying attention. You don’t want people to hate you.
B. Tell her you think it was a certain person, but you just aren’t sure.
C. Sure you tell her. It was really nasty and that person should be held accountable.

5. You overhear some people talking and whispering about a friend of yours. You don’t say anything, but later your friends asks you if people are taking about her. You:

A. Tell her you haven’t heard anything. Why hurt her feelings?
B. Tell her you heard something, but sugar-coat it.
C. Tell her what you heard and help her solve the problem.

Scoring Key: Give yourself the following points for each answer: A=1  B=2   C=3

• 5-7: You are a moral liar, meaning you often lie to protect the feelings of others or protect your standing among friends. While you don’t lie for the sake of lying, you can find ways of telling the truth that will increase your honesty quotient and keep others from feeling crushed.
• 10-12: You usually only lie when it depends on someone’s feelings. While you may think you are protecting the person, it really isn’t. Try to work on being more forthcoming and honest in the way you deal with situations. If you are tactful, you will find that the truth comes out much easier.
• 15-13: You are a truth-monger. Just be sure that you are not being too brutal in your honesty. Otherwise, keep up the good work.

Middle School: Proverbs 11:3  (the following was written with material from Youthspecialties: Proverbs Talksheets)

Is it ever right to lie? Watch this clip about the effects of lying in Camp Rock the Movie.  Is it ok to lie if it does not hurt someone, or to make friends, or to feel special, or to help someone else? These are hard quesitons. Proverbs is very clear that lying is not a good idea for our lives. Lies come back to hurt us. Integrity is a challange and not veryimportant in our cluture sometimes. Will we be true to our word? Will we cheat at sprots, games, or schoolwork? The battle to live a life of integrity never ends. Take some time to talk about the the pros and cons of honesty.

• Why do some people think it is easier to lie? Why is it sometimes more hurtful or harder to tell the truth? Why is dishonesty promoted in culutre sometimes? Why do dishonest people get away with so much?
• More verses on honesty in Proverbs: 10:18, 12:17, 12:19, 12:22, 16:13, 19:5 & 9, 20:17, 21:6, 28:13, 28:18, 28:23

Elementary: Proverbs 12:22

Have your children tear of a small piece of masking tape off the roll and write the word “Lie” on the tape. Have the kids tear a second piece of masking tape off the roll and write the word “Second Lie” on the tape. Instruct them to cover the first piece of tape with the word “Lie” on it with the second piece of tape. Have the children continue in this manner five or six times. As the kids work, ask them to think about a time when they told a lie. Did they have to tell additional lies to cover up the first lie?  Instruct the children to pick up their tape, which is layered in lies, and using the roll of masking tape they should roll tape around and around their small pieces of tape until they get a roll of tape about the size of a baseball. Say “One little lie, may need to be covered by another, then another and another, on and on it goes, until it becomes hard for the liar to remember what is the truth and what is a lie.

The telling of a lie may seem innocent at first, but just as a small snowball rolling down a mountain can turn into an avalanche, lying can become just as uncontrollable and destructive. Once you start lying it becomes hard to stop. As Christians we should take great joy in knowing that we delight the Lord when we tell the truth. Have the children throw their ball of tape into the trash can and vow to tell the truth at all times. Read Proverbs 12:22 together.

Preschool: Proverbs 12:22

• Play a game with your child in which you ask him questions that are clearly true or not true. For example, you say, “I’m a dinosaur” and your child answers, “Not true.” Or say, “I have blue eyes” and your child answers “true.” Start with something fun or silly like the first question and gradually turn to questions that are more reality-based and connected to actions, for example, take a candy off the table and eat it, then say, “I didn’t eat the candy.” Explain to your child that we call such untrue statements “lies.”
• Make one heart pocket for each child. Fold a piece of red construction paper in two, or use two 5 and 1/2 inch squares of fun foam, and use the template to cut out two identical hearts for each pocket. Glue the edges of the hearts together about two thirds of the way up, so that you can still insert slips of paper from the top and not fall out. After the glue dries, use a hole-punch to make holes all around the edges of each heart pocket. Then, with a dark marker, write the words, “WHAT IS IN YOUR HEART?” on the front. Finally, cut strips of string or yarn, about 36 inches in length, one for each child.
• Explain the importance of putting Jesus first in our lives. We need to put Jesus first in the way we speak to others and tell the truth. Have your preschooler draw pictures or trace words that are truth: I am a boy, we have a dog, i like peaches etc. Have your preschooler cut them out to put them in their heart pocket. Write Proverbs 12:22 on the other side of the heart and have your preschooler string the hearts pocket together with the yarn or string.

40 days of Wisdom – Treasure

Read Proverbs 2: 1-11

Parents: What do you treasure? What do you turn your ear to (listening), call out for (speak), cry aloud for (desire), look for (fill your eyes with), search for (make your goals)? Teaching must have a goal.  Modern educational theory sees knowledge (cognitive skills), attitudes (affective skills), and abilities (psychomotor skills) as the goals of teaching. In Proverbs, the goal of teaching is faith, character, and wise living.

Are we talking about these things in our home? Do allow our children to see our wise and unwise decisions or are we afraid to show them our mistakes? How will we model wisdom if we do not show both sides of our decisions? Do we allow our children to feel the effects of unwise choices and attitudes or let them slide by without this necessary step in developing character?

The focus of the world values modern educational theory over the goal of proverbs. Both developmental paths are needed to create whole and healthy families. Use Lent to pray about wisdom pursuing both paths as a family. Commit to concentrating on building wisdom as a family together.

High School: Read Proverbs together and discuss the following questions. Pray aloud with each other. This is very difficult for families to do and makes people very nervous. Start simple by learning to pray Bible verses. Try to divide verses 1-11 up among your family to pray aloud. Have each member read through their verses and inset their own name whenever it says you, your, my son, the upright, those who’s walk is blameless, the just and the faithful ones. Commit to praying those verses out loud as a family three more times during Lent.

Discussion Questions:
1. Verses 1-4 tell us different things we must do. What do verses 1 and 2 say we should do? (accept his word, store up his commands within us, turn our ear to wisdom, apply our heart to understanding)

2. What does verse 3 say we should do? (call out for insight, cry aloud for understanding)

3. Finally, what does verse 4 say we should do? (look for it as for silver, search for it as for hidden treasure.)

4. As the verses progressed, the things we need to do seemed to get more difficult and require us to be more passionate and give more of ourselves. Did you notice that pattern? Do you think it is hard or easy to search for something as for gold? What does that mean to you (Allow the kids time to answer each question, especially the last one.)

5. What will happen when we are able to search for wisdom the way this proverb describes? (Hint: verse 5) (we will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.)

6. Where does wisdom come from? (Wisdom comes from the Lord. Only he can give us wisdom, knowledge and understanding)

Middle School:

(Hold up the stack of computer paper.) Our lives can be compared to this stack of computer paper. (Set the stack down and pick up a single sheet of paper.) Each sheet of paper is like a brand new day. There are many things we can do with it. We could be artistic and create a beautiful picture. We could write a breathtaking adventure story that has readers on the edge of their seats. Or perhaps we could be inventive and create something brand new like the Wright brothers did so many years ago when they invented the airplane. (Take a sheet of paper, fold it into a paper airplane and sail it across the room.) We could also let anger or frustration get the best of us and ruin the day completely. (Crumple a sheet of paper into a ball and toss it into the trash.) Each sheet of paper can be combined into chapters, the chapters into a book, and the book into volumes. God graciously gives us the choice on what we will do with each day. We must include God in our daily activities if we are going to use each day to its full potential. Even bad days can turn out good when we keep God in the picture. We can do this by reading his word. Read Proverbs 2:1-11. Talk about how learning what is in God’s word can help us in everyday life.

Elementary:

Collect several different types of maps online, from the phone book, and travel resources.  Types of maps could include maps of zoos, amusement parks and maybe even a treasure map that is cartoonish in nature. As the kids arrive ask them to find special places on the map. Ask them how they could find their way to a place they have never been before. Talk about the importance of having a good map.

Make a treasure map highlighting various areas in your house or neighborhood. The treasure will be a plate of cookies or another type of treat. Let the kids help read the map. Build anticipation as much as possible by making comments about the treasure you hope to find. Help the kids find the treasure and then thank God for the bounty.

As the kids enjoy the treat, talk about maps and how they help us get to places we have never been before. As the kids finish their snack, excitedly tell them that God’s word the Bible will help us get to a place that we have never been before, heaven! God’s word also helps us follow God’s map for our lives everyday that we are on earth. It is a treasure itself. Read Proverbs 2:1-11 as a family. There are very good translations for kids to be found in the Adventure Bible and the New International Readers Version Bible.

Preschool

You will put a sack of gold coins in an unmarked brown bag and hide it somewhere in your house where it will take the kids a while to find it. Inform the children that you have hidden chocolate gold coins (you can use pennies also) somewhere in the room. Let the children know that if someone finds the gold coins, the treat is to be shared. Allow the kids to look for the sack of gold. If the kids can’t find the chocolate within 5 minutes or if they ask for help, you can give them clues. The longer they look for the gold, the more this lesson will impact them! Once the kids have found the chocolate coins, ask them the following questions before giving them the chocolate.

1. Was it hard to find the chocolate coins?
2. Did you get frustrated when you could not find them?
3. Was it easier when you asked for help and I gave you hints?

The only way to get the wisdom we want is by searching for it like we searched for our hidden chocolate coins! We have to really look for it, and even ask for help in finding that treasure we are looking for! It will be difficult, but the rewards will be well worth it! Read to them Proverbs 2:4-6.

You can make a treasure map that includes one space for each day of Lent. Have kids put coin stickers on each space as the day passes until Good Friday and Easter. You can have them color a Cross and a Tomb for those days. See ideas for Lent activity calenders at this website Crafts for Lent for Kids.

40 Days of Wisdom – Don’t get trapped!

Read Proverbs 1: 10-19

For Parents: Modeling

Our actions speak louder than words. This especially true in the home. Children learn values, morals and priorities by observing how their parents act and react every day. Are you communicating when you fall into the traps of sin. Are you modeling how to ask for and give forgiveness in these situations. What are your traps? How do you steer clear of or run from them?

High School: Recognizing Traps

Sin is enticing because it offers a quick route to prosperity and makes us feel like one of the crowd. But when we go along with others and refuse to listen to the truth, our own desires enslave us and we’ll do anything to satisfy them. We must learn to make choices not on the basis of approval or pleasure, but in light of who were are in Christ. We can’t be friendly with sin and expect our lives to remain unaffected.

Discuss: How does sin trap you? In your school work, in your friendships, in your family, on TV or music, with your body. What can you do to run from these traps? Watch for traps this week and ask God to provide a way out as he has promised in 1 Corinthians 10:13.

Action: Text bible verses to each other as a family to run from temptation and seek what is wise. Bible SMS and daily Bible offer free service for cell phones and email. There are several free or inexpensive apps for smart phones.

Middle School: Gain from traps

Sin is easy to fall into if we desire the wrong things. Research all the types of animal traps there are as a family. Ask each other these questions. What do animal want from these traps? What leads them in and traps them? How can wanting the wrong things or being lazy cause animals to be trapped? Do animals get what they expected from these traps?

Discuss: Can wanting wrong things or being lazy trap us in our work, in our friendships, on TV, on the computer? What can be some hurts we get from wanting wrong things for us? How can we learn to recognize traps in our lives? Watch for traps this week and ask God to provide a way out as he has promised in 1 Corinthians 10:13.

Action: Buy an inexpensive mouse trap – the wood kind with a snap trap. (CAUTION: these can be very dangerous). Practice setting and tripping the trap so the family sees how a mouse would be trapped and hurt or killed. Read Proverbs 1: 10-19 again. How does the visual of the trap explain what these verses say? Keep out your family trap through Lent to remind you help one another run from temptation. Stay tuned for lessons from Proverbs on how to apply scripture to overcome temptation.

Elementary: Could this be a trap?

“Come On, gang! Let’s go get him!” Jordan started running and everyone ran after him. Everyone but Kyle. Kyle had read proverbs 2:6-15, and he knew that “wisdom will save you from the way of wicked men”. Here is what Kyle did and what you can do to help you think before you act. Kyle counted to five by asking himself these questions:

1. Is it right? 2. Is it good? 3. Is it helpful? 4. Would my parents approve? 5. Would God approve?

Action: Have each family member trace their hand on a piece of colored paper. Everyone can write out Proverbs 1: 10 on the top: “If sinner’s entice you, turn your back on them.” Everyone can write one of the questions on each finger of their hand. Display the hands in your house and talk about how you will turn your backs on temptation as a family during Lent.

Preschool: Getting trapped!

Read the story of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter. Say: Did Peter obey? Was peter happy or sad that he did not obey. God was sad that Peter did not obey. God wants us to obey. Wise children obey. God wants us to be wise so we can be safe.

Action: Have your children learn this in order to teach them why wise kids obey.

You say: Who is in charge?                                       They say: Mom and Dad.

You say: Why are mom and dad in charge?          They say: God put them in charge.

You say: Why did God put us in charge?               They say: So children grow big and strong

Resources: Peter Rabbit online crafts and ideas, lesson plans, online story, cute you tube video

Family Lent

Recently we played a game as a family. I used to think playing games with little children was hard, but preteens raise the ante on the same set of problems. I was stunned by the level of selfishness, negative competition, slander, and whining. We could have ignored these character issues and just watch TV together for family night, but that would not be intentional parenting. Intentional parenting addresses character issues to transform a heart for God’s glory.

Lately I have realized how uninspiring our time as a family has gotten. We watch or observe something together because it is easier than pressing into our family dynamic. It is easier to go to the movies than go sledding. It less complicated to watch WipeOut than play Pictionary. This is why we need timely reminders to act intentionally.

I am thankful for the Lenten season. 40 days set aside by the historical church to focus on the coming of Resurrection Sunday. It can be a time of intentional focus. It is not about giving something up, but rather giving greater attention to motivations, passions, and actions.

Parent Equipping at Vista is celebrating Lent by blogging 40 days of Wisdom. We will go through Proverbs to help us assess and address character issues and development in our families. Each week will move through scripture and family activities for every age group, toddler through high school. Intentional spiritual growth as a family is hard and counter-cultural. TV and movie producers would just as soon we would consume without connection. There is nothing wrong with a family night out at the movies, but we are hoping this Lent season we can help each other become more intentional in engaging character issues in order to follow God’s plan.

Proverbs 1: 5-7

“Let those who are wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser.

And let those who understand receive guidance by exploring the depth of meaning

in these proverbs, parables, wise sayings and riddles.

Fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. Only fools despise wisdom and

discipline.”

Websites about Lent: www.crosswalk.com, www.christianitytoday.com, beliefnet

bullying – a blog copied from Trish Berg

When Justin was 4 years old, we had a play date with extended family.  At this play date were various age kids that knew each other. Justin was the outsider, and my heart broke as I watch him try to play with them. They were running from him, hiding together while making up names for him. He did not realize their intent and thought the running and hiding was a game. Few things are harder than seeing your child rejected by their peers. It is important we talk to our kids about bullying others and being a victim of bullying.

I was a bully. As the youngest of 5 kids, I rarely back down from confrontation. I know I owe many apologies to classmates over the years for verbal attacks. I don’t remember ever getting called out on it at school or in organizations for it.  My mother would have been devastated, as she felt I was the sweetest person in the world. Schools and organizations now have programs to fight bullying. It is a great way to be involved at your school or organization in order to get to know other parents and kids. Christians need to shine the light in this area in public and at home. Bullying is abuse and it needs to be addressed –especially in the Christian home.

Conflict management based on biblical principles needs to be taught, practiced and modeled to children everyday at home. Trish Berg is a writer and speaker who equips and encourages parents in this area. I have included a link to her blog here as it has a great practical steps approach called S.T.O.P. to teach and practice with kids. It is filled with applicable biblical references to move families toward conflict management techniques to protect themselves and help others in the community.

How to Live Out Your Faith While Protecting Your Children from Bullies – By Trish Berg

Practical Parenting Tip: We taught our children to say “so” when someone taunts them. Saying “so” deflates the abusive language of a bully.

Website we like: Peacemaker.net

broken record

Tim and I have turned into broken records. Can I even use that metaphor anymore? We have become those parents who say the same things over and over again but expect different results. We have officially started to exhibit insane behavior, so it is time to stop the madness!

Our children have responsibilities every morning and night; these expectations have not changed, and we have trained them on how we desire to have these things done. Here is a checklist we use to stop the cycle of bad or chaotic behavior: discuss expectations, train how to do the tasks, reinforce with praise and disciple with consequences, post expectations visually for all to see.

Good news is that proactive parenting helps. Bad news is these are people in training. They will not succeed everyday. Do adults succeed in fulfilling all of their obligations everyday? Let’s face it. Sometimes we can be the most demanding bosses of our children: come when called every time, drop what you are doing to listen and obey, put the family’s needs over your own, follow all the rules with a happy heart, be joyful and respectful in correction or criticism, remember all the time what the rules are, give your best ability at all times. These are goals to aspire to but seldom possible to attain.

Systems can help families succeed in organizing the chaos of a family. They can lead to fair and impartial treatment of several different personalities living together. They are not fool-proof. Our hearts are foolish and we act like fools sometimes.  A system needs to be grounded in grace in order to train kids. We don’t reach goals everyday. Some days we can’t because of external circumstances, and others days we sabotage our own efforts. Hunger, emotion, hormones, lack of sleep and daily stress wear on our ability to measure up to the goal. To quote a pirate movie regarding processes or regulations, make them “more of what you would call guidelines than actual rules.” Processes are helpful as long as we do not lose sight of the needs of our family by becoming enslaved in them. Stopping the madness of a busy house does not have to involve abuse through guilt and shame.

Here are some organization systems that work for families of differing ages

Magnet board: Children move picture magnets from sun side to moon side. Example: picture of toothbrush gets moved to sun when it was done in the morning and back to moon when done at night. One magnet for all expectations: pick up toys, pray, make bed, etc.

Before you leave checklist: List of things to do or have before you leave room or house. We have this on the back door so I do not have to yell it through the house.

Before you leave the car checklist: This can be posted on the door or dashboard so things are not left in the car that are needed elsewhere.

Computer, Phone or I-touch Checklist: Kids can input their lists and store them on their devices. There are even apps that help with this and alarms to remind them in the data section of their devices.

Books we like: Families where Grace is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen

Websites with ideas we like: Responsibility chart ideas for kids that read, responsibility/behavior/reward chart on magnet dry erase, routine charts for preschoolers, morning routine ideas for working parents, morning routine chart video

Enslaved to an outward appearance

I have talked with a few people this week about Satan can use what people think about us to rule our actions. These conversations stemmed from childrens’ clothing; as banal as it sounds, we fear what other people think about us because of what our children wear. This fear is an idol that keeps us enslaved to this life. Pastor Mike Smith taught last week about idols we make to rule our life. (It’s a great teaching that you can download at the Vista website).

How do the clothes our children wear become an idol? When we get our identity from it. When we desire that they are known for it and get attention from it. Maybe if we can present a picture of total confidence on the outside, people will think our families have it all together. This false identity can take two forms: fashion and thrift.

Fashion identity desires the newest shoes, clothes and backpacks in order to bring a acceptance and awe from those around us. It is even better when we can scrapbook those outfits or post them all over facebook.  The need to shop “to make themselves feel better ” is an escape. What we choose to spend our money on is observed by those around us and by our kids. We put our money into what we value.

Thrifty identity desires superiority by flaunting used and reused apparel in hopes that people will see how green or disciplined we are. So much time is spent talking about how much we saved or did not spend in hopes that people will think highly of our morals and values.

Neither shopping at the mall nor thrift store is wrong. When our identity comes from these things, we start heading off track of who we are in Christ. We then pass those values or habits on to our children. I have one friend who can fall into the fashion identity trap because her family flaunted “homemade clothes” when she was younger. I myself can easily fall into the self-righteous thrift trap. Intentionally searching our hearts to determine where we get our identity reveals the idols in our lives. Confessing these idols before God allows us to become a new creation in Him. Freedom from identity fear comes from our trust in His love for us. Can we see ourselves as His beloved children and set our hearts to match His vision?

Family Connection: Do you give your old clothes away to someone who needs them? Drop them off at the thrift store together or better yet, look for someone in your circle who would be blessed by them. The value of reuse with in reason is a good value to practice. Have your kids pick out clothes and toys to give to younger friends to make sharing real to them. Take them with you when you donate, recycle or give away and make it a family life lesson. It teaches them we do not always have to get something for what we give.

Personal Connection: Are you willing to help others or take help from others in the form of clothes? What hinders this in your heart? Do you have a selfish attitude or a wasteful attitude toward this idea? Just because we have the money does not mean we need to spend it. Just because we are willing to receive used things does not make us morally superior.

Sexual intimacy and parenting

My children are all in school now. Tim and I have been blessed to prosper in our former stage of parenting with our sexual intimacy still intact. For this to happen, we had to act intentionally. I have been asking anyone I can find with teenagers how to make physical intimacy a priority through the next stage when kids are more aware and up much later at night. Someone asked me to share what worked for us in the last stage of life. So here it is.

I have been struggling with what to say in this blog about the Biblical tie to intentional physical intimacy in marriage. We don’t want to try to fit a Bible reference here to cover our bases. I don’t want to push ideas into scripture; rather, pull truth from them. The Bible should always be our starting place. What have you learned about sexual intimacy from the Bible? Through all of my marriage, I have prayed Psalm 37:4. My desires are usually wrong because they are impaired by sin. The things my sinful heart desires are not for my over-all benefit without God’s mercy and grace. I am naturally selfish and ungrateful in how or where to spend my time and effort. I have been joined with Tim in this life. God knew we needed each other to fulfill His plan for us on earth. Are we always filled with “desire” for one another emotionally, sexually, mentally and spiritually? No, but we are joined in perfect love through the death of Jesus; therefore, the Holy Spirit gives us new desires through His perfect love. I find it helpful to pray for desire for Tim in all these areas and have found that prayer to be blessed by God.

The hardest part of intimacy for me was having little kids needing my physical touch and a husband who has physical touch as his love language. I didn’t want to be touched by the time the kids were in bed after holding a baby or having kids sit on my lap needing hugs and kisses all day. Tim says the hardest thing for him was quality and quantity of time to be physically and emotionally intimate.

Parenting young kids was physically  exhausting for us. We did not feel great about our bodies a lot of time. We did not get enough sleep. We did not eat well all the time. Sometimes the expectation of perfect timing, perfect bodies, perfect outfit or conversation can destroy the priority of  physical intimacy.

We developed a couple of plans to help us make it a priority. Every couple has different needs, but every couple can intentionally talk about their needs and make their own plans. Here are some things that worked for us. Feel free to share any ideas you may have to add to the effectiveness of this blog.

Dinner in: we would skip afternoon nap for the kids and put them to bed early. We would then have late candlelight dinner at home while they were sleeping to encourage emotional connection and romance.

Thermometer: we kept a printout on our bathroom mirror of a sexual intimacy thermometer with arrows to show each other our sexual mood on a sliding scale. Everything from “don’t want to be touched tonight” to “ready, willing and able” to effectively communicate each others needs and desires.

Sexual intimacy qualifiers: We developed a system of intimacy code words. We use “fast food” or “gourmet” to inform each other of what we are willing to make time for and how to adjust it to each others needs.

Physical intimacy seems like a lot of work when you are covered in spit up, changing diapers, managing tantrums and competing with work schedules. Any intentional conversations and plans help couples prioritize this important part of a healthy marriage. It is important for us as parents to model positive, loving, exciting, appropriate physical love in marriage to our children.

Cindy’s Personal research: I have heard parents of elementary and high school children use date night terminology. They stay in and have each child stay in their rooms for a couple hours. Other friends send their kids out for a couple hours once a week to friends houses in a date night co-op situation. I am collecting other ideas if you know of any.

Cindy’s Book Resources: I found Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow to be life changing. We found people at Vista have recommended His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr. and our own Marla Taviano writes about this in her book Is It all He Thinks About?

Website for Men: Ignite her passion=This has been recommended to KC by some Vista men as a godly approach to sexual intimacy in marriage. As a woman I have not viewed it. Would like to know what some of you guys think.

Website for Couples that Cindy likes: Marriage intimacy=has great links to various sites. I can vouch for the articles that I have read, but I cannot vouch for the whole site archives personally. I have found most of the  information on The Intimate Couple to be theological and practical on how to practice intimacy in marriage. I personally am not a fan of most of what I have read on Christianmarriage.com.

Ali and Matt Hooper: God’s Timing

Matt and Ali Hooper are part of our Vista family. They have been on the forefront of this church plant from the beginning. Ali runs a blog called blessed treehouse and Matt helps facilitate a Friday morning men’s group with Vista guys. They both head up the connections team on Sunday morning at Vista. I know you will be blessed by Ali’s offering below.

Two years ago, shortly after the birth of my son, we made the decision to sacrifice a second income so that I could be home with our boy. Actually, it was God’s decision. Months after my son was born, I applied for a position with the school where I was a long-term sub, and naturally, I thought I had the job in the bag. As it turns out, I didn’t get the job. Oh-holy-humbling. I felt so defeated. And disappointed. Especially because with two incomes, my husband and I thought that we could afford to start trying for a second child – a decision that we knew came with huge financial responsibility (my first c-section cost over $30,000).

Anyone else notice all that was wrong with our perspective? God sure noticed. My over-confidence in job security. My insistence that a certain level of financial security equated to our ability to carry out OUR plan. Even the lack of confidence in God’s ability to provide for us as we tackled medical bills.

So there we were, living humbly on a single-income, still paying off medical bills from my pregnancy and delivery, and wondering if we’d ever be able to afford more children (yes, we have health insurance, but it didn’t cover all of our bills). Though I very much tried to live in the moment with my then six-month-old son (he was and still is the delight of my life), I couldn’t help but feel discouraged that God’s plan apparently wasn’t my plan. I was praying for a part-time-work-from-home-school-counseling-job (or the impossible) and, in an effort to get back to a more positive mindset, I began taking daily jogs.

One Saturday morning, I grabbed my running shoes and headed out for a quick jog. As I made my return home, I came to a ditch and my foot slipped on the early morning dew still covering the grass. My foot planted in the ditch as my body kept moving forward. I heard three awful pops and landed face-first in the grass. I knew right away that my ankle was broken.

Fast forward several days – I’m rolled into the OR for surgery to mend my very-broken ankle. And guess what? Ankle surgery ain’t much cheaper than a c-section. Now we had medical bills out the wazoo. I was physically unable to even pick-up my crazy-busy six-month-old. And my hopes of jogging my way to sanity were shot. And to top it all off, eight weeks of being confined to the couch and bed resulted in something I wasn’t quite expecting: a pregnancy.

Of course we were thrilled, but deep down, I was frightened. Everything that had once given me security had been taken from me – my physical abilities, financial stability, even my self-worth from a job. And throw in the challenges of a soon-to-be-toddler and pregnancy hormones – Yikes! Thank you, Jesus, for giving me a patient and levelheaded husband!

Fast-forward almost two years. My son is more delightful than ever. My daughter is beautiful and healthy. And I’m jogging again (I even completed a half-marathon in May). And remember that flippant and impossible prayer I delivered in the midst of my defeat and disappointment – a prayer for a part-time-work-from-home-school-counseling-job? Well I forgot about it. But guess who didn’t? The one-and-only, always-faithful, nothing-is-impossible-for-Him, crazy-awesome God.

Two months ago I accepted the impossible: a part-time-work-from-home-school-counseling-job. I am so not kidding. It is as if God was saying, “I never forgot about you, but I needed the timing to be perfect. Your timing, Ali, was not my timing. Your securities are not my securities.” I am so blown away by His faithfulness. And in case you were wondering, we paid off all of our medical bills. Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of bills. All before I accepted the job. All on one income. Because with God, ALL things ARE possible.

Scriptures for meditation:

Isaiah 55:8, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.”

Romans 12:2, “God’s will is good, pleasing, and perfect.”

Acts 1:7, “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.”

Ecclesiastes 3:11, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”