In the world

Many of our fellow Vista family members headed for Cambodia this summer. The Eisel family was honored to be able to financially support some and prayerfully support all. Vista will be spending the whole service on Sunday July 18th talking about the Cambodia experiences. You may want to have your children experience this service of thanksgiving and celebration.

Participating in church volunteering, mission trips and community service opportunities as a family is central to who we are. Tim and I grew up in families that valued these things and have decided to make them central in our own family. Our family verse is Micah 6:8:

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Several families at Vista applied this verse to the Somali Batu community in Columbus. Working with community leaders and Heritage Christian Church, we provided Bible stories and activities for many Somalian children living in our city. It was heartwarming to see these children have a safe place to do crafts, games, sing and share a meal. We look forward to the next club July 19th – 22nd.

Aaron Eisel and Mohamud

Vista provides links to many opportunities in order that families can live this verse out in the community and world. It is not just a good idea, but a command from God. Do we heed that command in our daily interactions with others? Do we intentionally look for ways to live this out in neighborhood, city, state and country. Do we talk about it with our kids so they are raised looking for areas to enact this command? Where is God leading your family to live out Micah 6:8?

Books We like: Growing Compassionate Kids by Jan Johnson: Helping Kids see beyond their Backyard

Parenting Tip: Make a prayer walk a monthly part of your family schedule. Walk or ride bikes through a section of your neighborhood, school district or city. Stop a certain points and talk about how to pray for the groups, leaders or residents in that area. Write them down and pray at home or pray quietly together on site.

The testing of a family

I recently hurt my back. The kids and I were planting flowers when the shovel got the better of me. The result was about 2 weeks bed rest with a lot of slack being picked up by my family. As I lay recovering, many people pitched in to help my family. I truly am grateful for their help, but the thing that most impressed me was my children.

We often talk about ourselves as a team: The Eisel team. We have trained our kids to know they are responsible for their behavior and participation on our team. We have practiced good team behaviors including personal responsibility, kindness, selflessness and encouragement. We intentionally  take time to remind each other what we value about each other. We have family goals, a family verse and family rules to define our life together.

I saw this training pay off during those two weeks. My children served me with compassion. They prayed over my health. They rallied together to tackle chores and household job they had never performed before. All of it was done without selfish ambition or complaining on their part. They did not ask for reward for this team work and delighted in their accomplishments together. They bore the disruption of their routine, their desires and their needs with grace. They were even praised by several people for their polite and loving attitudes along the way.

Is this a regular occurrence in our house? Not really. We have our good and bad days as any other family. We certainly felt the prayers of others for our sanity and healing during that time. Our home received a special measure of grace from God to persevere during this small test. It proves that we can continue to grow together in order to meet bigger tests to come.

The bottom line is that we have trained for this. All our time devoted to family devotions, prayer, encouragement and family fun nights were drills for this small emergency. My kids put into practice what we have been studying and talking about as a family since they were little. They passed this test. They caught and lived what we have been trying to build into them. I was humbled by the goodness of God and blessed to share life with these three children. I know I won’t see our training working like this every week. There will be other family tests we do not pass so gracefully, but it was a true gift to see them rise to this occasion.

Parenting Tip: Have you ever talked as a family about your “team”. What is your goal as a family? What defines your team? What are your guidelines, rules and expectations? We cannot instruct or train our children without being intentional about our expectations and goals. We need to talk about them, study God’s word regarding them and pray through them. Children as young as 3 can begin to contribute and understand the team concept. Make a family team cheer, verse, banner and rule book together. Let everyone contribute. God gave you to one another for the purpose of building into each other.

Books we like: The Original 21 Rules of This House by Josh Harris

Website we like: www.accountablekids.com, www.christian-parent.com/writing-a-family-mission-statement

Public Parenting

When do you chose to correct your child’s behavior? This is an interesting question. We are often told a quick consistent response is the key to training children. I am in favor of the quick consistent response as long as you protect their privacy. It would be beneficial for parents to remember that having a QUIET, quick and consistent response can protect a child’s spirit. We need to focus on training disobedience or ignorance without belittling people.

Now that nice weather is upon us, public parenting is striking fear into many parents. I often question the motivation of parents when they share their fear of parenting in public with me. Are you concerned about your child’s behavior or how your family will look to people? Pride can be a huge deterrent to effective parenting. If I am worried about earning the “most together family” award at the local pool or park, my heart might need to change.

We can let pride pull us away from our first responsibility of parenting. Training children to become what God desires them to be is an everyday job. There will be good and bad days. I have seen many parents, including myself, resort to verbal abuse when their kids misbehave in public. This can take a few forms:

• Attacking a child’s character instead of dealing with their behavior – “You’re a brat!  Why do you have to be a brat!”
• Shaming your child publicly by yelling across the playground – “Stop being a bully or I’ll come over there!”
• Disrespecting your child to draw attention away from yourself – “No wonder I’m crazy! Wouldn’t you be if you had him as a kid?”

We do not have to crush spirits in order to maintain obedience in our families. It is helpful to remove ourselves from the public eye to correct and comment on behavior. Think how embarrassing it is to be corrected in front of people. Do we give that same consideration to our children? A quiet kind word of instruction can bring about a quicker change than shining a spotlight on bad behavior. We need to protect our children and give them quiet, quick and consistent correction. It is important to prep them ahead of time to insure good behavior. Talking about expectations and consequences before hand can stop many bad behaviors. Quietly correcting behavior can assure our kids of dignity in an adverse situation. Our children will respect us more if we show them respect.

Books we like: Families Where Grace Is In Place by Jeff VanVonderen

Parenting Tip: Take your children aside and use a quiet voice to correct their behavior instead of yelling instructions across the park or pool. It shows them they are respected and acknowledged as people. This will encourage the same behavior from them. “Beck and Call” is for animals not people in my opinion.

Privacy and respect

I have been contemplating the issue of privacy in the home: personal, marital, and familial. Recently I watched a popular TV show where parents battled with their teen regarding privacy. I also talked with a couple who was having trouble with privacy for their marriage in their home. All of this culminated in some teenage friends talking about wanting to simultaneously hide and share their lives with their parents.

Authenticity in the home is not so much authoritarian as it is being part of a team. A team needs to share, sacrifice and have knowledge to help one another.  When thinking about privacy for our home, it seems like respect is the underlying value. Character building is the goal of parenting. Kids live in our home and make mistakes. If a home runs on respect for one another, then we can engage in conflict resolution to encourage character. My mom and dad believed that children lived at home in order to coach them through life’s success and failure. They were inquisitive and available but not authoritarian. I guess I am landing on privacy not being so much of an issue if we are committed to letting our kids succeed and fail in our presence. Do they trust us enough for that? Are we trustworthy enough for that?

What are your children’s expectation of privacy in your home? What have you taught them about respecting your privacy?  Have you talked about living authentic, confessing lives before one another in order to help each other grow? Do you hide things from one another in secret and call it privacy?

It seems that the parents I polled who have the least amount of conflict communicated well laid out exceptions before any conflict took  place happened: no locked doors, ask before taking, respect personal space but don’t abuse it, responsibility means not having things to hide, all watch what everyone puts in their eyes and ears. Do your kids respect the rules of the house as an important member in it? I wonder what would happen in our homes if we read together one verse on honor from the Bible every night for a week. I wonder what would happen if we asked God questions about respect and listened for His answers.

Parenting Tip: How often do the demands of someone mess up what you are doing at the moment. We do not like being told to do something at a moment’s notice. Give your kids enough respect to prep them for action. “I will ask you to set the table in 10 min.” Teach your kids how to give a rational appeal to your demands on them. “Yes Dad, I will stop playing the game but can I have 10 min to finish this level?’ “Yes Mom, I will turn off my phone but can I have 2 min to finish this text?’ If they are modeled this respect then they are more apt to show it. “Yes, I will clean your black shirt but I am going to finish this blog entry first”

Book we like: Families were Grace is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen

Age of Opportunity by Paul David Tripp

Grace-based Parenting by Tim Kimmel

Grandparents

Kim Treichler recently reviewed a couple of books for Kids Community geared toward Grandparents.  Kim is the wife of Gary Treichler and they are the parents of two: Christy, 36 and Geoff, 34. They  have 3 grandchildren: Matthew 6, Abby 5 and Betsy 2.

We wanted to make sure that all Vista Grandparents know that they are invited to attend any Parent Equipping class. Germaine Copeland describes grandparents as a vital link between generations (p. 9). She encourages Grandparents to seek wisdom from the word and from His Spirit to build into the life of their grandchildren.

My Mom and Dad pray every night for one of their 14 grandchildren just like my Grandma and Grandpa Nieboer did before them.  My older nieces and nephews will give them specific prayer requests while the younger ones tell them how to pray for their school and extra activites. I have seen my nieces and nephews look at the checklist on more than one occasion to see how many check marks are behind their name.

Germaine Copeland advocates for grandparents to take a hands on approach to their grandchildren. She recommends walking alongside your grandchildren rather than talking at them. She says, “Whether you have full responsibility or part-time responsibility for your grandchildren, engage them in activities that you enjoy, talk to them about your interests and listen to the things that are important to them. Take time to laugh with them, go for walks with them, tuck them in bed, and pray with them (p.12).”

Parenting Tip: Ask Godly grandparents if they would pray about specifics for each child. Ask any Grandparent if there is a certain hobby or skill they would like to teach their grandchildren. The important idea is inclusion where and when they want to be included. If Grandparents are absent or far away, teach your children to pray for them and their needs. Communication and evaluation of expectations on both sides in love is the key to healthy relationships within between parents and grandparents.

Kim’s Reviews:

Prayers that avail much for Grandparents by Germaine Copeland – scripted prayers that you can say for your grandchildren. Helpful for a grandparent new to praying for grandchildren. It provides useful scriptures to encourage more Bible study in several areas.

Wells of Wisdom by Weaver and Stapleton – collection of stories by people about their own grandparents and encourages making meaningful memories with the next generation.

Grand Days published by Group Publishing – a quick read reference for grandparents that includes several practical ideas on how to share faith and grow in faith with your grandchildren ages preschool – middle school.

Transformer Moms

We are planning a luncheon to honor the mothers of Vista. As we work through the planning for May 15th, God has brought to mind many things that He has taught me through the transforming of Mothers during these 2 plus years. I wanted to share some with you.

I have seen exhausted mothers cease their worry and lay their cares at Jesus feet because they trust his wisdom more than their own

I have seen mothers struggling with addiction embrace God’s whisper to them of the freedom and forgiveness he offers

I have seen mothers who morn when their child recieves a diagnosis of ADHD be comforted by God’s promise of a hope and future

I have seen mothers who chose not to become mothers at a young age open their arms to the healing that comes from a God who carries our burdens

I have seen mothers who desire to bear children receive someone else’s natural born child into their heart and family by trusting God to work all things together

I have seen mothers walk their faith alone and impart it to their children day after day in the face of opposition

I have seen mothers bury children and yet be able to praise God for precious years, day or even hours

I have seen women ask God to help them forgive their own mothers and consider for the first time starting a family one day

I have seen women mother other people’s children in selfless joy to provide faith and comfort while releasing the dream of their own family to God’s will

I have seen single mothers conquer patterns of unhealthy desire and attention by focusing on Jesus first as their bridegroom

I have seen mothers care for mothers, mother-in-laws and even grandmothers all while caring for their own children because they believe God will supply all their needs

I have seen mothers ask their children for forgiveness for the past while sharing the peace they have encountered in a new life following Jesus

I have seen mothers cry out to God daily regarding the decisions of their adolescent and adult children who they know He will never abandon

I have seen mothers willing to admit their fear for and idolatry of their children because they know that they are called to encourage one another and build each other up

The stories of these women bring me to my knees in humility. They walk among you and are willing to share. Join us on the 15th of May in honoring mothers. Invite your family, a motherly neighbor, a mentor or friend. Be sure to ask whoever you meet if they would share their story. I trust you will find the experience as transforming as I have.

Are you aware of your feelings?

Crissy Bontrager and I just attended a parenting conference in Newark by the National Center for Biblical Parenting. One facet that came out of the conference was a conversation about how to help emerging adolescents deal with their feelings.  According to Dr. Richard Berry’s book Angry Kids, most children benefit from intentional training on expressing how they feel.

Crissy shared with me how an emotion chart can help train our children to identify what they are feeling. How amazing would it be if we could teach our children how to assess their feelings, be able to name them and share them? Dr. Berry states that “an important step in dealing with anger is identifying the feelings behind it.” Psychologist Neil Clark Warren believes that anger is not a primary emotion but an automatic response to other emotions. Our children can gain problem-solving abilities and character development skills by being trained to identify these underlying emotions.

Once we can talk about and identify feelings, we are in a better place to develop a rational plan for dealing with the emotions. Helping my children manage their feelings has helped me manage my own. It has helped me take steps to communicate more effectively with my husband, my friends and my coworkers. It is always amazing to me how these small intentional steps to understand myself and others lead me right back to who God created me to be. In Ephesians 2:1-10, Paul writes about how Christ allows us to understand who were were, who we are and who were are becoming. Praise God we are not left alone to wander in our emotions. We have a God who created us and promises to recreate us daily if we are willing to follow him.

Parenting Tip: Post emotion charts in your home. Talk about how name how you are feeling. This can begin with children as young as age two. You can find an example of a chart we use in Kids Community here and find charts for purchase here.

Family project: Young children can color or create their own emotion chart as an art project. Adolescent children may want to create a unique family feeling chart with emoticons to use on their phones and send through email. Adolescent’s may be more willing to text or email their feelings to parents rather than talk about them face to face.

Resources We Like: The Angry Teenager by William Lee Carter, Angry Kids by Dr. Richard L Berry, The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo, and Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande

Website We Like: www.peacemaker.net

Crissy and Brian Bontrager: Under God’s Umbrella

Under God’s Umbrella

Recently I sat in on the Parent Equipping class for 3 year olds. My children are currently 7 and 10; I was there simply to support my friend as she led the class. The topic of the class was  How to move beyond behavior modification to Godly Discipline. As the class began I realized I had become a little neglectful in the type of discipline I give my children. I was in need of a refresher in using God’s word and being consistent with discipline.

During the class the concept of The Circle of Blessing from the book Shepherding a Child’s Heart was shared. This concept comes from   Ephesians 6:1-3 (NIV):

Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother –which is the first commandment—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy a long life on the earth.

The Circle of Blessing is the idea that while obeying and honoring one’s parents, the child remains in the circle. The circle represents a place of safety and protection. However, if one steps out of the circle of blessing and chooses to disobey, the child is no longer in the safety of the circle.

This concept is not new for me. I have attended a couple Shepherding a Child’s Heart seminars, have read the book several times, and the first Bible verse my kids memorized was Ephesians 6:1. I realized during this class that as my children have gotten older I have stepped away from using this concept.  Discipline with my older son (age 10) has started taking on a different look; however, my younger son (age 7) can be a handful and I decided to reintroduce the Circle of Blessing into our family discipline strategy.

We talked about the Circle of Blessing as a family at dinner; I explained what it meant and even drew a picture, but my 7 year old just didn’t get it. So, I used the example of an umbrella. I asked him, “Why do we use an umbrella?” He replied with an eye roll, “So we don’t get wet in the rain.”  Then I asked, “What happens if we step out from under the umbrella?” He replied with another eye roll, “We get wet.” I then explained to him that the Circle of Blessing is like the umbrella: as long as we are under the umbrella (or inside the circle) we stay protected. The umbrella protects us from the rain while the Circle of Blessing protects us from the dangers of disobeying. Finally, he got it.

We have gotten back into the practice of reminding our children of the Circle of Blessing. I will often ask them this question: “Where do you want to be standing–in the rain or under God’s umbrella?” Discipline keeps our children safe and teaches them life lessons. The Circle of Blessing and living under God’s umbrella can help us teach our children the importance of obeying.

Parenting Resources:   Shepherding a Child’s Heart, by Tedd Tripp  Wise Words for Moms, by Ginger Plowman

Parenting Tip: With the coming of spring, use Crissy’s illustration as a family object lesson. Get a little wet together to bring home the idea as choosing to be under God’s umbrella.

How soon we forget

Recently I was able to spend some time with two teenage friends , Mollie Grub and Kati Rusin. We took a late night trip to Taco Bell where they educated me on the intricate complexity of the late night menu; it was a necessary lesson as soon I will have a teenager of my own.

Why would a couple of teen girls want to hang with an almost 40 year old? Food helped, I’m sure, but we also attend the same church. I have introduced myself to these girls, asked them about their lives and received countless hugs from them. In short, we value each other enough to pursue a relationship. We may not be of the same generation, but we share a common faith community. We can share how God is moving in each others’ lives.

Kati and Molli gave me a lot of good instruction that night on how to be a better parent when my kids get their age. They reminded me of thoughts, feelings and fears in that stage of life. They loved me like a sister and encouraged me; I hope they feel the same.  I am trusting that God honored our love for one another and am believing the best.

Kids Community just started a recruiting drive that presses families to open their circle by encouraging multi-generational friendships. Families who recruit five multi-generational friends to work with their kids once a quarter can win a free family dinner and a subscription to Thriving Family magazine.  The drive is about valuing each other and pursuing Godly relationships across generations.

The trick to not forgetting is to act intentionally. It is important to model in the Christian community. Inclusion and inviting can be risky. Rejection is a fear that satan uses. Are we intentionally looking for, praying for and pursuing multi-generational relationships as a leading from the Holy Spirit?

The Amplified Bible quotes 1 Peter 4:9 this way: “Practice hospitality to one another – be hospitable, be a lover of strangers, with brotherly affection for the unknown quests, the foreigners, the poor and all others who come your way who are of Christ’s body”

Parenting Tip: Make a prayer chart with the following divisions: middle schooler, high schooler, college student, young professional, new married, new parents, single professional 30-50, empty nester, 50-70 year old, and  elderly friend. As a family look for one name in your neighborhood, work, school or church to fit into each area. Pray for these people together as a family and encourage one another brainstorm ways to pursue relationships with them this year. Ideas could be cards, phone calls, dinner invite, service project, event invite, hug, sit next to them at church.

Family Service Project: Make cards and take them to the local nursing home. Did you know that extended care facilities offer an easily assessable mission field in every city. Think of it as the crossroads of real life and the need for comfort.  It also is a great place to practice manners with young children and teens – handshake, saying their name, looking into someone’s eyes, responding appropriately, and practicing thank you.

Crissy and Brian Bontrager: Love your enemies

In our daily devotions we have been reading through the book of Luke. My seven year old son Michael has been intrigued by the lessons Jesus taught and he always looks forward to finding out what the next lesson is. However, when we came to Luke 6, he had a hard time understanding why we should love our enemies.

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.  ”If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ lend to ’sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Luke 6:27-36

We read these verses and discussed what Jesus was telling us to do; Michael could not understand why we should be nice to someone who has been mean to us. Tried as I might’ I could not explain well enough for him to understand. We ended the devotion with a prayer asking God to help us learn to love those who are mean. I felt like I had failed as a mom to teach the lesson of these verses to my son.

I continued to pray that God would reveal the meaning of these words to Michael. This morning on our way to school God did just that. Michael shared with me about a friend (we will call him Joe) in his class who has been lying (ie. My dad owns a race car, my grandma has a million dollars—the typical exaggerated lies children tell).  Michael shared that he gets angry when Joe lies to him, and that some of the other boys will not play with Joe anymore. He also shared that he felt bad that no one wanted to be Joe’s friend. I reminded Michael of the verses in Luke 6 and asked him if he thought God might be telling him to love Joe in spite of his lying.

As I watched Michael think this over I could see the understanding show on his face. Finally, he said with a big smile, “I can love him by being his friend even though I don’t like his lying!” He got it! We continued to talk about how we can pray for Joe and show Jesus’ love to him by being his friend. We said a quick prayer for Joe as we pulled up to the school, and Michael was ready to be Joe’s friend and pray for him all day long.

Even though Michael did not understand the meaning of these verses right away, I had not failed to relay the lesson. God gave Michael a greater understanding through this situation with his friend Joe and made the lesson real. I realized that the simple act of reading these verses with my children plants the lessons in their hearts even if I do not see the fruit right away; God is faithful and His word does not return void. (Isaiah 55:11)