Breaching the Dam

I wore my iPod headphones in the car tonight. I know – not a good practice. I had simply had enough of the torrent of discord flooding my car as we headed down I-270. The rain outside seemed to fuel the dissension inside. I took a moment to pray and then took off my headphones pronouncing “All of you are breaching the dam!”

Have you ever seen a dam that is becoming or has become breached? It is a fearfully awesome sight. There are great pictures of the Teton Dam breach taken by Eunice Olson at www.geol.ucsb.edu/faculty/sylvester/Teton_Dam/Teton Dam.html.  A small trickle turned into a deluge on June 5th, 1979 and unleashed disaster on many towns; the Teton reservoir took only four hours to spill through that little leak.

I showed these pictures to my kids to give them a visual of the picture painted in Proverbs 17:14. Little verbal leaks for the sake of argument can rapidly turn into spirit-killing confrontations.  Here is an example of a conversation that is breaching the dam:

• “you’re so smelly and I will vomit if you put that close to me!”
• “I will vomit if you continue to talk to me!”
• “I will vomit all over you and then you will know what smelly is!”
• “I will vomit all over myself and make sure you have to smell it all the way home!”

The creativity of the diatribe  increases with age. Most young kids start with the singsong “this is mine and you can’t  have it” while older kids may entice with “They love me best!” Regardless of how the conversation starts, the purpose  is enmity. It shows a heart of selfishness and hostility designed to cause strife. I did not want to deal with the consternation in the car, but God’s job for me in their lives is to train, even at the end of a tiring rainy day.

Stopping the breach is not simple, especially in the car where the purpose is to keep the vehicle on the road despite the surly children in close proximity to one another. We have discussed and trained for dam breaches. My kids know the heart consequences of breaching the dam and are aware that verbal violence can quickly lead to emotional and even physical damage. They know that Solomon knew what Thumper from the movie Bambi meant when he said “If you can’t say something nice… don’t say nothing at all.”

Proverbs 17:14 in The Message substitutes “leak” for breach and warns us to stop before the dam “bursts”. We practice how to stop the seepage before the burst and choose to focus on the heart damage when things have calmed down. This is why I had to utter only one phrase to stop the leaks from becoming a full-blown collapse. Conversations about heart changes came when we arrived safely at home. Just like a disaster crew cleans up after the flood waters recede, we cleaned up the emotional and spiritual wreckage of our dam breach. We then prayed for mouths, hands and hearts of loving-kindness.

Training Tip: Make your own dam after viewing the photos of the Teton Dam collapse. Read Proverbs 17:14 together. This is a great family project for the sandbox, the beach or the bathtub.

Resource We Like: Peacemaker ministries has many practical ideas for peacemaking strategies for families.

Loving my Kids – The Bontrager Family

Crissy has been a friend of mine since our kids were little. God has given the Bontrager family a heart for sharing authentically what God is doing around them everyday. I have learned many things from Crissy and Brian through the years as we shared different parenting experiences within a common faith perspective. They are part of the Vista Parent Equipping Team so catch for their class based on this blog at Vista. You can read more about the Bontrager family on Crissy’s blog – A Cracked Pot:Letting God hold it together at crissybontrager.blogspot.com.

Loving My Kids

Within, the last couple of years I have watched my 2 boys develop their own individual personalities. My oldest son, who is 10, loves video games, computers, and even coming up with his own design for video games. However, my youngest son, who is 7, is all about his friends, sports, and really anything that involves a ball or running.

However, what I didn’t realize is that both of my boys feel love in different ways. I came to this realization reading the book The Five Love Languages of Children. The thought had never occurred to me that my children would need to feel love from me in different ways.  The book suggests the five love languages are: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, and Acts of Service.

I took some time to think about each of my boys and which of these love languages each of them desired the most. What I found was that my 10 year old son seeks out words of affirmation and physical touch. So, letting him know that I appreciate him helping with dishes or laundry is showing him love, or giving him a big hug when he gets home from school. However, my 7 year old responds more to quality time, and words of affirmation. He will often push away from a hug, (not that he doesn’t want one from time to time) and would rather play a game or go for a walk together. I began to change the way I interacted with both of my boys to show them each the love language that they desired.

As I began to be conscious of how I was showing love to my boys I noticed a difference in them as well. My 10 year old started helping me with housework more often, even when not asked, and my 7 year old began giving me hugs instead of pushing away. I also noticed an overall change in the behavior of both boys. Making this small effort made a big difference in the love my boys felt from me. I know my heart overflows with love for them, but now I am sure they know it too!

The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman, Ph.D and Ross Campbell, M.D.

Close the Door

I had eight children of various ages in my home the other day. To give you some perspective of the chaos, we used a whole loaf of bread for lunch. Somehow throughout the day, we had difficulty keeping the door shut with all that coming and going. Everyone and every bug had free access to the house. It was without protection from outside intruders. We were killing flies all afternoon.

We didn’t intentionally leave our home open to intruders, but we forgot to enact a plan to protect it. It reminded me to review how often we are intentional about the spiritual protection of our home and everyone in it. E. Stanley Jones coined this phrase, “When prayer fades out, power fades out.” I have power through Jesus to protect my house from the forces of evil, and I can choose to be wise about wielding that power through the Holy Spirit.

We are becoming more intentional in praying specifically for our own home as a place of refuge that embraces everyone, as a place of grace that allows mistakes, as a place of forgiveness and as a place of growth where each person’s unique gifting is encouraged. We pray to be a light of love to the neighborhood we serve. Several of our conversations with God include binding satan and his attacks on our home in order to allow us to stand as a vanguard for the gospel.

The battle is real, but the Holy Spirit provides tools for the fight.  We have the guidance and power of the Word of God for our protection and direction. If we are diligent in practicing protection, we will not be taken by surprise in all of our comings and goings. A good offense is the best defense.

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence,

so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need

Hebrews 4:16

Sometimes I have looked back on a day where everything is going wrong to realize I forgot to take the time to cover our home in prayer. I have squandered the power given to me. I was lazy in executing my offensive strategy and had to rely only on defense; I forgot to close the door. On these days, only by God’s grace I see how much effort was wasted on chasing down flies.

• Family Tool for Prayer:  Create a prayer book for your family. Get a notebook and write down meaningful verses on the power of prayer. Also use it to write you own prayers for your home and each member. Take turns reading and recording family prayers.

• Books we Like: Habits of a Child’s Heart by Hess and Garlett & Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home by Richard Foster

Changing perspective – The Hooper Family

Ali Hooper is our guest blogger this week. The Hooper family continues to be a huge blessing to Vista. I am often inspired by their hospitality and service to all in the name of Jesus. This entry from Ali exemplifies what it means to live at the intersection of Jesus and real life.

I recently gave birth to my second child, a daughter, and when I arrived home from the hospital, my son was sick with croup. Within a week, both my husband and I started experiencing cold symptoms, and within two weeks, my newborn daughter was congested. It wasn’t long before all four of us were miserably sick.

One night, as I wearily nursed my baby girl, I became overwhelmed with emotion, and the tears poured out. “Why, Lord, why? Why can’t we catch a break? I’m too sick and sore to meet my family’s needs (I was also recovering from a c-section), and my husband can hardly function as he suffers the flu. And my babies are miserably sick. Why us, Lord?”

I was exhausted, discouraged, and frustrated. But God was quick to respond. And, no, He didn’t say, “Okay, Ali, you survived my test and everything will be better in the morning.” Rather, He said, “Do everything without complaining.” (Philippians 2:14)

God commands us to refrain from complaining, and amidst my sniffles, tears, and sore abdomen, I knew He wanted me to change my perspective.

But He didn’t stop there; He wanted even more from me. As you might imagine, my first thought was, “Seriously, God? It’s not enough for me to shut my mouth and refrain from complaining?”

“No,” He said, “Be joyful always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances.” (I Thessalonians 5:16-18)

WHAT? Be joyful?! I’m miserable. And my son has a fever of 101 degrees. My daughter fights nursing because she can hardly breathe. Sure, I’ll pray, but what do I have to be thankful for?

And then it hit me. I have a FAMILY. I have a son and a daughter who are alive and well. I have a husband who is not deployed, deceased, or uninvolved. I have the strength to nurse my daughter, and I have the ability to care for my family even if I don’t “feel” like it. I have so much for which to thank God. I have plenty that brings me joy. And it is with that perspective that I was able to glorify God even when my tendency was to be discouraged and frustrated.

It is this perspective that God wants us to adopt in ALL things. As parents, this can be difficult, to say the least. We are quick to complain about our unruly toddler. We often forget to express joy when our teenager disappoints us. We fail to give thanks when our baby is up for the fifth time in one night.

Often when people ask me, “how are you doing?” I quickly respond, “I can’t complain.” Because, really, I can’t. But too often, I do. Sometimes I am quick with this response simply to remind myself that I C-A-N-N-O-T complain. Yes, we should have emotions – frustration, sadness, anger – but ultimately, we need to honor God amidst our sufferings.

Things did not automatically improve after that long night. In fact, we are still on the mend. But because of God’s Word, I am more likely to embrace my sniffling daughter rather than complain. I am more likely to cuddle with my snot-nosed toddler rather than be discouraged. And I am more likely to show my family God’s greatest commandment to all of us: Love.

You can read more about the Hooper family at Ali’s Blog: www.blessedtreehouse.com

Tying shoes

Our youngest, Aaron, had to learn how to tie his shoes for kindergarten; this become nessesary when the shoes with laces were cheaper than the velcro ones. Tim worked diligently with him for three days, and  Aaron mastered the task beautifully as God has gifted him with excellent fine motor skills. Through this process, we kept telling him this truth. Hearing our confidence in his fine motor skills allowed him to be diligent in practicing.

Speaking truth into a child’s life has lasting consequence. We acknowledge who God uniquely created them to be by affirming their gifts and talents; this affrimation helps them start to process the specialzed role that God has chosen them for. We believe that this is what God means by “the way a child will go” in Proverbs 22:6. Most schools have adopted this process in behavior modification practices. They say 3 affirmations about a child before attempting consructive criticism. How I wish I could remember to do that every day for my family!

We use 1 Thessalonias 5: 11 “encourage one another and build eachother up” to keep our thoughts on affirmation not critisism. Affrimation brings motivation. By focusing on the strengths of others, we push them closer to the person God has created them to be. This is true of tieing shoes, making the grade, finishing the project or  making wise choices. Much is to be gained by celebrating the unique giftings of the individuals in our midst.

Great book about questions kids ask about God: Does God Know How to Tie Shoes? by Nancy White Carlstrom

Resources we like: Words Kids Need to Hear by David Staal

a home with an outward view

Tim and I went golfing recently on a course constructed over a landfill. It was an enjoyable experience and less smelly than we originally anticipated. It was an added plus that we both shot a good round. As we talked about this experience with our children, it was not lost on our family that this landfill exemplifies our way of life: we played golf on top of a landfill ,but in other places in the world people live on top of landfills.

This summer our family has been privileged to spend time with Jen Morgan. Jen is a great friend who happens to be in the States this summer resting from a year working in Cambodia with orphans. Our children have a greater sense of what is happening around the world by sharing a relationship with “Miss Jen”. We also have the benefit of knowing several other individuals and families who help people around the globe who live very different lives from ours.

One of the values we work to instill in our children is a value for all people. Engaging with people like Jen gives our children a wider view of the world. We discuss how our lives differ from other groups culturally, spiritually, and economically. We pray, volunteer and study in order to open our hearts and minds to everyone with whom we share this earth.

While we continue to focus our efforts locally as well, we believe that a complete outward view includes how God is moving beyond the borders of the United States; it is important for our kids to comprehend that the “body of Christ” is universal and faith is not just an “American” entity. Hopefully this focus will allow them to respond to the Spirit’s work in their hearts to develop compassion and servanthood.

We have committed to memorizing Micah 6:8 together as one of the Eisel family verses: “The Lord God has told us what is right and what He demands: see that justice is done, let mercy be your first concern and humbly obey your God” (CEV). Together we can choose to focus on helping change the lives of people who live on landfills, not just play golf on them.

Books we like: Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-absorbed World by Jill Rigby  and Growing Compassionate Kids by Jan Johnson

Resources used by our family: www.kidsofcourage.com, www.twr.org, and www.kidsglobaloutreach.org

Brought into the light

I just started a devotional with my daughter called The Princess and the Kiss.  This is a story about how much God loves each unique individual and desires the best for all of us; it is about purity of soul, mind, body and spirit. I feel wholly inadequate to be talking to her about this.

Evil used events and choices from my past  to try to ruin my chance at purity across the board. Just the thought of doing this study with her started my tears flowing, palms sweating and heart racing. Thoughts rush at me, trying to make me feel like a piece of garbage: “You are such a sham.”  These are the types of lies that I must fight to have this conversation with my precious daughter.

Thankfully God, who forgives all our sin (Colossians 2:13),  loves me as a unique individual and desires the best for me. Because of this, I am choosing to stay in the place where I am precious daughter of the King (1 John 3:1). I am a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). There is victory in bringing things long hidden out of dark into healing light (1 Peter 2:9). God’s desire for me is the abundance of restoration not condemnation or shame  (Isaiah 61)

While I may feel inadequate to talk about this, I can be used by God to encourage my daughter. He is able to speak to and help her as she grows (Ephesians 3:20).  I will discuss purity  of mind, body, soul, and spirit because living in the light brings freedom. It is not a easy thing to humbly admit inadequacy in any area, but I refuse to live in shame. I will not pass that on to my kids nor model condemnation to them; that is not what God desires for me or our home.

I spent most of the time during our first devotion time together choking back tears. I don’t know if she understands why, but she will understand more as we study and grow together. I trust God to reveal to us what we need to discuss when we need to discuss it and will pour out His Spirit to enable us to do so in love.  That’s what the King does for His Princesses.

Resources:

The Princess and The Kiss by Jennie Bishop.  Life Lessons From the Princess and the Kiss by Bishop and Henson.

The Squire and the Scroll by Jennie Bishop. Life Lessons from the Squire and the Scroll by Bishop and Henson

Expectations

I just spent a great day at a theme park with my kids. The day went so well because we all expressed our expectations before taking the trip. Everyone knew the focus, mission, and plan before entering the park. This lesson was learned the hard way; that story remains one of the most infamous in our family history. We can laugh about it now, but at the time it was nothing short of disastrous for us all.

In 2003 we went to King’s Island Theme Park with the families of our life-group from Heritage Christian Church. These families still tell the story of the day the Eisel family suffered a very nasty and very public meltdown.  As a family, we had four totally different agendas: 3 year old daughter wanted to play on the playground, 6 year old son wanted nothing to do with rides, pregnant wife wanted to sit,  and husband wanted to ride. In hindsight it is obvious that the theme park was not the best place for our family to spend the day. We could have made it work if we had discussed our desires and needs beforehand; however, we had set ourselves up for failure.

The screaming, crying and yelling that ensued could have been prevented with a little communication. I’m sure that would have been appreciated by the other families we were with, the staff of the park and hotel and the other people driving back from Cincinnati. We learned that day to communicate our desires, plan for the success of everyone, and not measure our family’s needs based on other families.

This time around we looked at a map of the park and made a plan. We asked every person what two things they would like to do most. We designated specific rest stops and times. Then we all agreed to be flexible enough to deviate from the plan for the needs of others. This gave us as chance to talk about selfish desires and compromise as a way to love others. We also talked about how this time we would leave the screaming and yelling for the rides.

Parenting resources we like: Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande and The 10 Best Decisions Every Parent Can Make by Bill and Pam Farrel

Parenting Tip: List goals verbally or in writing before any family outing. Compromise is easier for all when expectations and limitations are talked about before hand.

My ears need a rest!

It is fascinating to watch the progression of  speech in a home with children. My grandparents thought is was funny to see my parents go through this, and my parents think its funny to see Tim and I go through it. The journey from “Say ‘dog’, Johnny, say ‘dog’. You can do it honey!” to “My child will not stop talking!” is relatively short in parenting years. I have learned a lot over the years about the importance of words, the value of silence, and selfishness in conversation. I could have used this information as a child – it might have saved me some relationships or at least some nasty comments on my report card. Here are some phrases we use to train our children on how to value how and why we use words wisely:

• “Please respond to your brother” – shows speaker as valued
• “Mommy’s ears a a little tired right now” – takes ownership for choosing to stop conversation and shows that stopping conversation can be healthy and helpful
• “I am choosing not to or am not able to connect with you right now” – takes ownership and shows value in conversation as a connection between people not just words
• “You are interrupting. Please wait until it is your turn to speak” – shows value of the words of others
• “There is nothing good or helpful coming out of your mouth right now” – show values in building up and encouraging others
• “You may sing that song or tell that story to me at another time” – shows value for time and place of words
• “Please sing or say those words to yourself” – show value of silence

It may seem rather odd to talk about being self-controlled in our speech on a blog site; the blog world could use some self-control. Training our children to value the words they speak and the words spoken by others appears culturally unimportant in the age of twitter, texting and blogging. This is, then, all the more reason to be diligent in following what God says about our mouths, our words and our purpose of speaking.

Encourage one another and build each other up – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you oh Lord my rock and my Redeemer -  Psalm 19:14

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry – James 1:19

Don’t let any foolish talk come out of your mouth, only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs so that it may benefit those who listen – Ephesian 4:29

The last one is the verse we taught our children when they were old enough to form sentences. It has helped us all -  reminded us that ears deserve a rest. Hopefully it will save us from nasty comments on report cards also.

Parenting Tip: When Tim or I are speaking with someone, instead of interrupting with words, our children will place their hand on our leg to get our attention when they need to speak to us; it shows them their comments  are valued while teaching them how to wait their turn.

Resource: Books we like that help train ourselves and our families with truths from scripture: Wise Words for Moms and Don’t Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman

Freeze

I promised someone that the first parenting blog would explain why the Eisel children stop everything at the sound of “Freeze.” No, they are not convicted criminals nor are Tim and I former police officers; “Freeze” as a command came from something called behavior training.

Tim and I had great parenting mentors. We have no family in Columbus so it was important to get involved with a local family worthy to emulate. We started spending time with, evaluating, and discussing families who we knew. Basically we stalked families: in the park, at the store, at church, in their homes (when invited). Mike and Lynn Radigan made the cut as people who ran their home with discipline, grace and godly encouragement. Radigan’s have no small task – they have six kids.

Behavior training was one of the most practical things we learned from the Radigan family. They encouraged us to train our children in various situations before so that we not set them up for failure. Invest some time in practice and you will reap rewards long after. Most people train for work, sports and at school. How can we expect our kids to behave if we never show or have them practice how to behave? Here is an example.

• Practice Shopping: Go to the store. Have fun showing and telling kids what is correct and incorrect behavior. Leave if they are misbehaving to practice discipline and give positive reinforcement for learning well. Once they can behave in practice – then shop with them. Every time you go, review with them your expectations verbally before hand.
• Never, if possible, take a kids who is tired or hungry into a store – you deserve the fit that is thrown because you have set them up for failure. The child is more important than the shoes – a life truth that is hard for me to remember sometimes in my selfish desires!

This brings us back to my promise. “Freeze” is a game we started to help our kids know how to stay safe in any situation.  We practiced many hours at home in the back yard as a running game and in the house as a wiggle game. Now when our kids hear “freeze” – they stop; it is trained into them. (Unless they are tired or hungry – and then we deserve the disobedience we get!)

“For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for bothe the present life and the life to come” I Timothy 4:8